Wish We Never Met
by Klitch
Summary: After Hikaru doesn't show up for a game at the Go Salon, Akira finds himself possessor of some unfamiliar feelings. Yaoi, AkiHika.
1. Wish We Never Met

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Wish We Never Met

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Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this fic, as much as I wish I might. (on the other side of things, however, Touya Akira does occasionally rent my soul on weekends.) 

Author's Note: Okay, my second Hikago fic and nothing much really happens in the first chapter. Eventually there'll be AkiHika and shounen ai and all that good stuff, just not in this chapter. Anyway, I hope someone likes what little of this I've got, and read, review, etc. 

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_"I wish we never  
Wish we never  
Wish we never met  
'Cause now I've got my heart set on you."_  
-- Kathleen Wilhoite, "Wish We Never Met" 

_He's late._ Akira glanced quickly away from the clock and back at the Go board, where he was replaying the same game for the fifth time. _He's usually here by now, and he didn't say anything about not coming today._

"Akira-kun? Are you all right?" Akira glanced up as Ichikawa set a cup of coffee by his side. 

"Hmm?" 

"You looked distracted," Ichikawa said. "Is something bothering you?" 

"No," Akira said quickly. "Just...Shindou is late. We were going to go over a few more games today, like we usually do. He never called to say he wasn't coming. Though I suppose it's too much to expect Shindou to be on time every time we meet, being as he _is_ Shindou, after all. But he's not usually this late." 

"Do you have his number?" Ichikawa asked. "You could use the phone to call him, if you're worried." 

"I'm not worried," Akira said succinctly. "I'm....annoyed. Waiting for him like this is an inconvenience." 

"If you have to leave, I could just give him a message from you if he shows up," Ichikawa suggested. 

"No, that's all right. I don't have anything to do." Akira sipped his coffee. "I'll wait for him. But thank you for the offer, Ichikawa-san." 

"You're welcome, Akira-kun. If you change your mind, just tell me before you leave." With that, Ichikawa left to tend to the other customers. Akira leaned back in his chair and glanced at the clock again. 

_I'm not waiting for him, _Akira told himself firmly. _Certainly not. Wait for Shindou? How absurd. It's simply that I don't have anything else of importance to do right now. As long as I'm here, I may as well recreate a few games and practice my Go. If Shindou shows up, then it's just as well; I'll have someone to play against. But I am most definitely _not _waiting for him to show up. And I certainly don't care that he's nearly an hour late._

_I wonder if he'll call?_ The thought came into his head with disturbing suddenness. _I'm just wondering because calling would be the polite and logical thing to do. Which is precisely why Shindou probably won't do it. I don't think he even knows the number here anyway, and he doesn't know my home number. He wouldn't look it up in the phone book, either, because he's like that. Things like calling ahead when you're going to be late probably slip his mind entirely. He's such a strange person, such an odd presence. I don't know why I bother with him. He's not very serious at all, and likes to cause trouble and argue with me and everyone else around here. Kitajima-san doesn't understand why I spend so much time with Shindou, since he's not as good as I am. But I know why. There is....something....in Shindou. Not just the Shindou I played back in sixth grade. This Shindou, too, has something. It's strange, but...it's not just about Go. There's just something in Shindou that draws me close and makes me want to...to..._

Akira shook his head. There was no time for such thoughts, he needed to keep practicing. Akira laid out a few more stones, then glanced up at the clock again. 

_Where is he?_ he thought irritably. _Shindou, you idiot. You're so scatterbrained, being late and not even calling. If you weren't going to meet me here, you should have said so. We could've met another time. _Akira felt a small smile hover over his lips. _I like meeting you. I'm not sure why. What's wrong with me today, that I keep thinking of you like this? Though--though I suppose I think of you often, don't I? Because you're my rival, so it's natural I should think of you. _Akira deliberately turned back to the Go board. _And that's the only reason why. Why else would I think of Shindou, if not because he's my rival? There aren't any other reasons I would be so focused._

The minutes ticked by, and Akira found himself getting increasingly more anxious. It was becoming hard to remember the next move in the game he was so patiently recreating, and his eyes kept drifting back to the clock. He stirred a finger distractedly in his coffee, took a drink, then ran his hands through the casks of stones. It was getting later. 

_Where could he be? Perhaps he forgot entirely? That would be like him, forgetting something like that. Maybe he got distracted by a passing ramen shop and had to stop and eat. Maybe those other pros he's friends with--what are their names again?--met him on the way here, and they stopped to talk. He wouldn't go off with them and forget about me, would he? _Akira felt an uncomfortable pain rise in his chest. _Surely he wouldn't forget about me because of them. I should've made sure he wrote our meeting time down. But we always play against each other today, there's no reason he should forget today. Perhaps I should call him, like Ichikawa-san suggested. I don't know his number, but I'm sure there's a phone book I could look it up in. Should I call him? Would he get upset, if I did that? Maybe it would be too familiar, calling him like that. Friends call each other, I'm sure, but...are we friends? He never mentions it if we are, and I'm not really sure. How do people know when they're friends? We don't hate each other and we don't ignore each other. We talk, but it's always about Go. Is that enough to make us friends? I wouldn't want to call Shindou unless I was sure, he might not like someone who he's not friends with calling him._

Akira laid a few more stones, then, in a sudden, decisive motion, swept all the stones off the board and began recreating the game from the beginning. 

_I think....I think I would like to be his friend._

It was still getting late. Akira glanced back at the clock, then out the window. It had just begun to snow, tiny white flakes falling from the sky, skating on the wind and covering the ground. Akira shivered slightly with the memory of the cold wind blowing outside, and wrapped his arms about himself momentarily. Ichikawa-san caught sight of him and walked towards him, looking worried, but Akira quickly shook his head and indicated that he was fine. It had just been a strange moment of allowing his imagination to run away with him, which was admittedly a strange thing for him. 

_It will only get colder as the sun goes down, _Akira mused. _The smart thing would be to leave now, before it gets darker. _He looked at the clock again, mentally counting each tick of the second hand. _But...what if Shindou arrives? Maybe I should wait a few minutes more...just a few minutes more._

An hour later he still sat at the Go board, placing stones and clearing the board at intervals. He barely noticed that he had been recreating the same game over and over again, and that he had yet to complete it. 

_Where_ is_ he? _Once again, Akira glanced up at the clock on the wall. He felt as though he had memorized its face, its every detail, he had looked at it so often in the past hour. It always felt as if an eternity had passed since the last time he looked, yet each time it would be revealed to have only been mere minutes. 

_I should have left hours ago,_ Akira thought darkly. _I should leave now. But...what if Shindou arrives? I'm sure he will, some time soon. He'll run in and apologize, and then I'll scold him for being late and he'll look sheepish and laugh. He'll probably tell me I shouldn't be so uptight about it all, and I'll tell him I'm not being uptight, I'm being mature. He'll probably forget about being late just a few minutes afterward, and I'll scold him again, and he'll tell me I need to get over it, and that we should play. Maybe I'll make him sweat a bit over it. I'll glare at him and he'll tell me I'm being scary again. Then we'll forget about it all and play, and I'll be home late because of him._

Akira sighed heavily and cleared the Go board. _Am I being stupid now? Shindou isn't coming. He's totally forgotten, and I'm just sitting here for no good reason, playing the same game over and over. I should go home soon, or my parents will worry._

Despite those thoughts, Akira began to recreate his game yet again. He felt a strange mix of feelings rise up within him, part sadness, part resentment. He alternated between staring at the Go board, staring at the clock, and looking out the window. It was still snowing. 

_Of course he forgot about me. _Akira felt an odd sort of miserable anger grow inside him. _Why would Shindou need to remember me? I doubt he even likes me very much. He doesn't care that I'm here, waiting. But that's okay, right? I don't care about him either. He's just a rival, that's all. Just another rival. He can never show up again for all I care. I don't mind if he forgets. I don't feel upset about it at all. Not one bit. It's just.... _He shook his head wildly. _Just nothing. Why am I acting so strange? I should have left when he was first late. There's no reason to stay and wait for him. Why should I wait? He's nothing important anyhow._

Akira stood up abruptly. 

"Oh, are you leaving, Akira-kun?" Ichikawa asked, walking by. 

"Yes, I think so," Akira said firmly. "I doubt Shindou will show up at all now. I may as well leave." 

"If you want to wait a little longer, I could take you home," Ichikawa suggested. 

"No, that's okay. I'll walk." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Don't worry, Ichikawa-san. It's not that could outside." 

"Well, if you say so..." Ichikawa didn't look happy, but she moved away anyway. Akira smiled after her and bent down to clear the Go board. It was then he noticed for the first time what game he had been continually recreating for the past two hours. 

_It's that game...the second one I played against Shindou._ Akira stared at the board. _Why _that _game? Why does it always come down to that game?_

A sudden rush of uncomfortable feelings arose inside him, and Akira brushed them away even as he brushed the stones off the Go board and returned them to their proper casks. 

Outside, the sun had just recently set, and the snow-covered streets were lit by street lamps. Akira stepped out into the snow, wrapped in a coat and scarf, gloves on his hands. He stared up towards the dim outline of the moon, watching his breath curl against the sky. 

_I suppose...I should go,_ he thought. _It will only get later. And Shindou...of course he won't be here. I can talk to him tomorrow, at the regular dan games. Then I'll ask him why he never showed up._

Akira sighed softly, and glanced behind himself, half-expecting to see Hikaru run up, out of breath and apologizing. But the streets were nearly empty, and Akira suddenly felt very alone. It was a feeling he was used to, though it didn't often bother him. It bothered him now. 

_Why do I feel like this?_ A cold wind blew by and Akira shivered, pulling his coat up tighter around his slender frame. _It's all so strange, this affair I have with Shindou. I'm not used to dealing with people like him. I don't really talk to anyone else my age. They don't understand me, and so they ignore me, or make fun of me and try to make me mad. They think I don't hear them, when they call me cold and arrogant. But it doesn't matter what they think of me; it won't change the way I am, so why worry about it? No one my age ever understands the way I feel about Go, and how I can be so serious about it. They don't understand why I don't act like a normal child. But why would I want to act that way? I like being who I am, and playing Go makes me happy. So it's fine that I don't have anyone my age to talk to. Or it was, until I met Shindou_. 

_What is it about him? He's...a special person, I suppose. He always says that it's strange that I'm so focused, but he does understand. He realizes how important Go is. Even the other young pros don't seem to understand, but Shindou...Shindou knows. He knows that I'm not the arrogant bastard they all think I am. And--and it makes me happy, to know that he doesn't hate me the way the rest of them do. _

Akira paused at a corner, leaning on the streetlamp and gazing towards home. 

_I don't understand it at all. Has Shindou changed me, that I care so much what he thinks? When this all began it never mattered to me, if he liked me or not. Now I wonder if he sees me as a friend as well as a rival, if he sees who I really am, not who all the others believe I am. No one's opinion mattered to me before, except Father's and perhaps Ogata-san's, and maybe the other more experienced pros, and then only in regards to Go. When did Shindou's thoughts become important to me at all? Perhaps it's just the cold, making me think this way. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning._

Akira trudged along down the street, head bowed in thought. The crowds were a little thicker here, but still no one paid any attention to him. Once Akira caught himself scanning the crowd for Shindou, and quickly lowered his head again. 

_Don't think of him. I have to stop thinking of him. When did he become so important to me?_ Akira took a deep breath and moved on. _I don't remember feeling this way before. I feel...almost sad, but almost happy too. Is there something wrong with me? Am I sick? This is a new feeling to me._

Finally, Akira reached home. He carefully opened the door, announcing his presence as he stepped out of his shoes and removed his coat. 

"You're later than usual, Akira-san," his mother said, walking towards him. "Did you get caught up in a Go game again?" 

"No, nothing like that," Akira said. "I was waiting for someone. T-to play against, I mean. An opponent was supposed to meet me at the Go salon, but he was late so I decided to wait." Akira paused, debating whether to ask the question that was still fresh in his mind. "Did--" He stopped himself momentarily, then steeled his resolve and plowed on. "Did anyone call for me?" 

"No, I don't believe so, Akira-san," Akiko replied, and Akira felt his heart sink without being quite sure of the reason. He was careful, however, not to allow the change in feelings to register on his face. He fixed a placid smile on his face and headed towards his room. 

"I'm a little tired. I think I'll go to bed now." 

"Are you feeling all right?" Akiko questioned, moving as if to follow him. 

"I'm fine," Akira said, knowing it was only a half-truth. "You don't need to worry about me." 

Akira entered his room and closed the door, then sank down on the floor, staring at the Goban sitting in the corner. He felt the urge to recreate another game and smothered it, knowing quite well what game he would end up replaying. 

_Tomorrow....tomorrow I'll talk to Shindou, _he decided. _I'll ask him why he never came. I'm sure there's a good explanation for his absence. Once I know, I'll feel better, won't I? These unfamiliar thoughts will all go away. I'll talk to him tomorrow, and things will be normal again._

With that thought still on his mind, Akira laid down, still fully clothed, and closed his eyes, waiting for sleep to clear his mind of all the current oddly jumbled thoughts. It was a long time in coming. 

---- 

So where was Hikaru all this time? Why, tied up in my closet of course. (Okay, no he wasn't. If any Hikago boy is going to be tied up in my closet, it'll be Akira.) Anyway, the real answer will be in the next chapter, which hopefully won't take too long (though anyone who's ever slogged through my Digimon fics knows that I can procrastinate at times.) Anyway, more coming eventually. 


	2. Sway

**Wish We Never Met Chapter 2**

Disclaimer: Think up a witty disclaimer. Pretend I put it here. 

Author's Notes: New chapterage, and much quicker than I would've expected from me (I'm a notorious procrastinator. I'm procrastinating on an essay _right now_.) Anyway, more Akira angst 'n stuff, hope no one hates it or anything. Enjoy ^_^ 

---- 

The weather was only slightly warmer the next day and the snow had turned to rain, covering the streets in slush and ice. Akira carefully made his way down the street, an umbrella clenched tightly in one hand. He was trying very hard not to run. 

When he reached his destination, he quickly removed his coat and set his umbrella down, then proceeded to wait for Hikaru without actually _looking_ as though he was waiting for Hikaru. 

_Because I'm not,_ Akira told himself firmly as he watched the other pros file in. _I couldn't care less about Shindou. It's just....I only want to ask him why he never showed up yesterday. I have a right to ask that. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know something like that._

He shifted and leaned against the wall, trying to find a better position. 

_Is he not going to show up here either? _Akira chewed nervously on his bottom lip. _What if he's sick? Maybe I should've called his house, just in case. But I don't know if it would be okay for me to do that. If he doesn't show I guess I could ask those friends of his, but....they don't really seem to like me very much. They probably wouldn't tell me anything. Besides, they might want to know why I'm asking about Shindou, and what would I say then?_

He was seriously beginning to think up ways to approach Hikaru's friends when Hikaru himself arrived, talking animatedly with said friends. Akira took half a step towards him, then shrank back. 

_What do I say? Perhaps I should wait and see if he mentions it? What if he doesn't? _Akira felt that strange resentful feeling rise up again, accompanied by a sharp pain in his heart. _What if he doesn't even realize that he forgot about me?_

"Touya!" Akira's head snapped up as Hikaru separated from his friends and hurried over. "I am so so _so_ sorry about--" 

"Shindou, what are you talking to him for?" Waya called after him. "Come on, it's almost time for our games." 

"A~ah, no time to explain," Hikaru moaned. "Oh, but you've got a game too, right, Touya? Good, then I can talk to you when we break for lunch. I'm really really sorry about yesterday, all right? I'll explain at lunch break. Is that okay with you?" 

"Um--" Akira blinked stupidly for a moment, then remembered who he was and quickly regained his usual cool demeanor. "Yes, that would be fine. You had better have a good explanation; I waited for two hours yesterday." 

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," Hikaru said sheepishly. "I'll explain later, okay? Really I will. And I'll--" 

"Geez, Shindou. come on!" Waya's voice echoed through the building, and Isumi told him to keep his voice down. 

"In a second!" Hikaru yelled back over his shoulder. "I'm _really_ sorry, all right, Touya? And I'll explain and make it up to you and everything." Akira continued to glare at him, and Hikaru shrunk slightly under that intense gaze. "Y-you don't need to look at me like _that_, you know." 

"Two hours, Shindou," Akira said. "I waited for you for _two hours_. How did you expect me to look at you?" 

"You like being scary, don't you?" Hikaru grumbled, and it took all of Akira's resolve to keep a straight face. "You need to stop being all uptight and everything." 

"I'm not uptight, I'm mature," Akira said, a slight smile stealing over his features. _You're acting just like I thought you would, Shindou. Are you really that predictable? Or have I just been watching you too long?_

"Yeah, well--" 

"Come _on,_ already, Shindou! Why do you keep talking to that guy?" 

"I'm _coming_!" Hikaru turned to go. "I'll talk to you later, Touya!" With that he hurried back to where Waya and Isumi were still waiting. 

Akira watched the three walk towards the room where the dan games were being held and felt his heart drop even lower as he made to follow. 

_Of course he can't be seen talking to me for too long, _he thought. _After all, no one talks to Touya Akira. And Shindou's friends don't like me at all, so they obviously wouldn't like him talking to me. But--but I wish he would've stayed just a little longer._ Akira shook his head, ignoring the strange looks a few of the nearby pros gave him. _No I don't. That's a stupid thing to think. Why would I care about talking to Shindou? He's promised to explain his absence later, so there was no reason to keep speaking to him. I didn't have anything more to say anyway._

Akira sat down to begin his match and resolved not to think of Hikaru. Still, only a few moves into the game, he found his eyes wandering back towards where Hikaru was also playing. 

_Stop that!_ Akira ordered himself firmly. _I'm not acting normal. I've never been distracted during a game before, yet now I keep finding my thoughts turning to Shindou. What is it, that's making me act this way? I've never had any trouble concentrating during my matches before. I need to stop thinking about Shindou and pay attention to my Go, that's what's important. Shindou is nothing._

He took a deep breath and tried very hard to pay attention to what he was doing. 

_Idiot. You're going to lose, all because you keep thinking of him. Stop it this instant. What would Father and Ogata-san and everyone else think, if I played such a sloppy game because I wasn't putting all my thought into it? Go is more important than all these stupid useless feelings that keep running through me. I have to ignore them and concentrate on what's most important to me, and that's Go._

Akira swallowed hard and swiftly brushed away any thoughts concerning Shindou. Gazing down at the Goban, he was angered to see how poor some of his hands seemed, how badly he had been playing before. Steeling his resolve, Akira quickly began to turn the tide of the game back in his favor. 

He had just regained the advantage when meal break was called. Akira's opponent stood and walked off, but Akira remained seated where he was. 

_It's a poor game, _he thought angrily. _I can play better than this. I _always _play better than this. How could I let my concentration slip like that? I need to stop thinking so much about--_

"Hey Touya!" Someone grabbed his shoulder and Akira jumped. Hikaru took a step back. "Hey, it's just me! Weren't we going to eat together?" 

"A-ah, well, I don't usually--" Akira began as Hikaru dragged him to his feet. 

"Look, I told you I'd explain at lunch, didn't I?" Hikaru said. "Come on, we can go get some ramen or something and I'll explain." 

"I--I suppose," Akira said, still trying to regain his composure. "But I didn't bring that much money with me; I wasn't expecting to eat anything." 

"We can share something, then," Hikaru decided, dragging him out of the room. "I don't have too much either, but I can buy something and we'll split it. It can be like part of my apology or something, for making you wait." 

"All right," Akira agreed, still feeling a little off center. Hikaru smiled and the two went to get their coats. 

"Is it still raining out?" Hikaru muttered, peering out a window. "Hmm, looks like it." 

"I'll get my umbrella--" Akira started to say, but Hikaru cut him off. 

"Nah, you don't have to drag that along. We can both use mine." Hikaru grabbed his own umbrella and began to lead Akira towards the elevator. "The ramen shop isn't too far from here anyway." 

Akira allowed himself to be dragged outside by the arm. Hikaru opened his umbrella and they began to walk side by side towards the ramen shop. Akira felt his cheeks growing hot. 

_There they are again. Those strange feelings._ Akira glanced over at Hikaru. _Is it him? Is he why I keep feeling this way? Or maybe I really am just sick. The cold may have given me the flu or something. But still.... _

....I....I think I rather like being close like this. Akira moved closer to Hikaru momentarily, then forced himself away, as far as he could go while still remaining under the umbrella, which wasn't very far away at all. He was acutely aware of just how near to Hikaru he was, and found to his surprise that his heart was pounding faster than usual. 

"Hey, you okay Touya?" Hikaru's voice cut through Akira's thoughts like a lightning bolt across a clear sky. "Your face looks a little red." 

"Just the cold," Akira said succinctly. "That's all." _That's not why and I know it. So why am I lying to him? And why am I blushing like this? It's just Shindou. It's--it's just Shindou, walking right next to me, worrying about me...stop that! No more thinking of Shindou. He's just a--a rival. An opponent. Possibly...a friend? Or more?_

"Well, good thing we're at the ramen shop then!" Hikaru said happily. "It'll be warmer inside, come on!" With that, Hikaru hurried inside and Akira followed. They sat down at a small table by the window and Hikaru ordered one bowl of ramen for them to share. 

"It won't be very much at all if we share it," Akira said, looking at the small bowl that sat on the table between them. "You really don't have to share it with me, Shindou. I'm not very hungry." 

"It's okay, it's okay," Hikaru said easily, reaching over to take a bite. "I don't mind. It's part of my apology, okay? Like you said before, you waited two hours and I never showed up and all. So this can be part of me making it up to you. So eat some already. I'm not gonna eat any more of it if you don't have some." 

Akira smiled slightly and took a few noodles. 

"All right, you see, I'm eating now. Are you satisfied, Shindou?" 

"Yup." Hikaru nodded proudly and helped himself to some more ramen. 

"So....why didn't you show up?" Akira asked. "You promised to explain." 

"Right, right, just let me swallow..." Hikaru said around a mouth full of food. "It wasn't any big reason really. My mom wanted me to do some cleaning and stuff around the house, but I was out playing games with Waya and Isumi so I got home later than I'd planned. Then when I just stopped home real quick to tell Mom that I was going to go meet you at the Go Salon, and she told me I couldn't until I helped her clean. By the time I was done I was only a little late and all so I was gonna hurry and meet you, but then I, uh, well, I kinda..." Hikaru paused and smiled sheepishly. "I sorta fell asleep. I didn't mean to, really, I was just tired from the stupid housework and all, and by the time I woke up I figured it was too late and you'd be gone." 

"Why didn't you call?" Akira said slowly, taking care to keep his expression impassive. _Is that all? You fell asleep and forgot about me? But earlier you were with those friends of yours, and they helped to make you late. I suppose I should understand that. After all, they're your friends and I'm....not...._

"Call?" Hikaru's face was the picture of absolute cluelessness. Akira sighed and put a hand to his head. 

"The Go Salon has a phone number, Shindou. As do I. And, this may come as a surprise to you, there is a book which you can use to look up these and other important numbers. It's called a phone book and may be useful when one is going to be late and doesn't want the one left waiting to be worried or to wait for long periods of time. Such as two hours, for example." 

"You don't have to be sarcastic about it," Hikaru muttered. "And I forgot about that, okay? If I would've thought about it, I would've called." 

"You don't really need to think about that sort of thing in order to remember it. It should be common sense." Akira was aware that there was an angry edge to his voice, but he couldn't suppress it. _Do you even care about me at all, Shindou? You didn't even think about contacting me to say you'd be late. You fell asleep and forgot all about me. Am I being unreasonable, feeling so upset? Do I have a right to be mad at you? I'm not even sure myself. I just feel....I'm not even sure how I feel. It's as if...as if I'm actually_ hurt_ by this. Can that be it?_

"Are you mad at me?" Hikaru actually looked somewhat upset at the thought. "I-I really am sorry, Touya. I promise I'll make it up to you. Really. It was a mistake, okay? But I'm really apologizing now. And I'll make it up to you, I promise. How about if we meet at the Go Salon tomorrow or something? That'll make up for the day I missed." 

"That's fine," Akira said. Hikaru smiled widely, having completely missed the slight edge that was still present in Akira's voice. _It's not fine. It's not fine at all. I--I still feel upset about this. It's stupid, because I shouldn't be upset. You've apologized. You've promised to make it up to me. So I should forgive you and be happy. But I'm not. It--it still hurts. Why does it hurt like this? I've never felt this way before. My chest feels tight. I keep thinking that maybe I'm sick, but I felt fine before this. It's you, Shindou, it's something you said. In the end, it seems that it's always about you. How did you come to make me feel this way? How did I let you get so close?_

"Touya? Somethin' wrong?" Hikaru asked around another mouthful of ramen. "You aren't eating anything. You aren't still mad, are you?" 

"N-no, I'm all right." Akira took a small bite of ramen, then turned his head and stared out the window, watching the raindrops slide down the glass. _I'm lying. Can't you tell that I'm lying? I feel like you should. Can't you see how strange I'm acting today? I'm not at all like myself. Always thinking of you, even when I need to be concentrating on my game. Feeling upset that you were able to spend time with your friends, but forgot about me. And you're so clueless, you don't even realize how I feel about that. But that's not a fair thing to think, I suppose. I'm not sure that _I _realize how I feel about things. Everything's mixed up inside me right now. Common sense tells me I shouldn't be worrying over a silly thing like Shindou being late. But I am. I'm worrying, and I'm upset, and it's stupid, and I don't even know _why _I'm so upset so I can't stop myself._

"We'd better get going if we wanna make it back before the games start up again," Hikaru said, swallowing down the last of the ramen and standing, reaching for his umbrella. Akira continued staring out the window, not even appearing to have heard him. "Touya?" 

"Hm?" Akira glanced up at him. "Ah, right. I'm coming." 

They walked back in silence, Akira still standing as far from Hikaru as he could without getting wet. Hikaru didn't appear to find his silence strange, and so didn't question him about it. 

They returned just in time to resume their games. As he made his first move, Akira once more found his concentration slipping. 

_Stop it right now! How can you think of Shindou at a time like this? Shindou isn't important right now. Go is. Go is always what's most important. There's no time to sit and think this way now, to sit and wonder about Shindou and all these unfamiliar feelings he's stirred up. I must concentrate only on my Go. I don't care about anything else. _

Akira placed the stone on the Goban with more force than he had intended, and his opponent flinched at the harsh sound of the stone hitting the board. Akira didn't even seem to notice what he had done. 

_Only Go. I will only think about Go. Shindou will not cross my thoughts. These foolish emotions will not bother me. I will think about Go, and only Go._

Abruptly clearing his mind of anything not involving Go, Akira resumed his play, and won with ease. Staring at the board, however, he couldn't help but feel disgust rise at how poor his game had been in compared to his usual performance. 

_You see what happens when you think of Shindou?_ Akira stood and exited the room, trying to hide the anger he felt towards himself. _I could have lost that game. Then what would people think? Touya Akira playing such a poor game. I can't afford such luxuries as allowing Shindou to invade my mind. I won't think of him. I won't let myself feel anything in regards to him. He's my rival and my opponent, and...and nothing... _Akira closed his eyes, unwilling or unable to complete the thought. 

He sighed and went to get his coat and umbrella. He was tired for some reason, and found himself wanting very much to go back home and rest a bit. He stopped just in front of the door and opened his umbrella, then sighed heavily. Someone had cut his umbrella, making it useless. 

_Probably a wandering insei,_ Akira thought. _Or a young pro, still immature. Maybe a few people, thinking that it would be a fun prank, to force me to walk in the rain. I suppose I should be angry, or sad, that someone would hate me so much as to enjoy giving me trouble. But I--I don't really feel anything. I don't care if whoever it was is laughing at me now. It's just...sometimes... _He sighed heavily, shaking his head. 

Someone dashed by him and Akira had just recognized the person as Waya when Hikaru came running on the other boy's heels. He paused upon catching sight of Akira. 

"Hey Touya!" Hikaru said happily, preparing to open his own umbrella. He glanced down at Akira's, which was closed. "Something wrong with your umbrella?" 

"Ah...." Akira stopped, unsure what to say. _If I tell him, he'll let me borrow his, because Shindou's that kind of person. He would let me use it, wouldn't he? We could share it, like when we went to get ramen. Would Shindou allow that? Would he even think of it? If he couldn't think enough to remember to call, would it occur to him to share his umbrella with me? If I tell him that mine's broken, will he extend an offer? I--I don't know if I should ask. He would let me share his umbrella, wouldn't he? He wouldn't mid at all._

_But what if he did?_

"Um....it--" Akira choked out. 

"Shindou, hurry up!" Waya's voice floated in from outside, cutting him off. 

"Right, coming! See you tomorrow, Touya!" And Hikaru ran out the door without looking back. Akira felt his heart clench. 

_I couldn't ask. And he just left, without waiting for an answer. Why does this hurt? Why do I care so much about these stupid things Shindou does? How--how is it, that these things can cut so deep?_

Akira carefully fixed an emotionless expression on his face, and walked home in the rain. 

---- 

Poor Akira. Maybe I'll make it up to him in the next chapter. Or maybe I'll torture him even more. Just 'cause character torture is seven kinds of fun. 


	3. Dying of Silence

**Wish We Never Met**

Disclaimer: Me own nothing. 

Author's Notes: I had some trouble with this chapter, so I hope it turned out all right. Anyway, more Akira angst 'n stuff herein. Read, review, enjoy, etc. (I'd say more, but I'm too tired. It's been a long week.) 

--- 

When Akira awoke the next morning, the first thing he realized was that he had a raging headache. He sat up dizzily, putting a hand to his head, and then remembered what had happened the day before. Akira fell back onto his pillow with a sigh. 

_What was I thinking? All those foolish thoughts about Shindou pushed out my common sense. Why didn't I ask to share his umbrella? What stopped me?_ Akira rolled onto his side and coughed. He shivered slightly and pulled the blanket up close around his shoulders. _And now I'm sick, aren't I? Maybe I already was before, and that's why I couldn't ask. Maybe it wasn't....wasn't what? What is it that I'm feeling? I don't understand. My head aches and I don't understand why I still hurt, even though it's a day later and everything's in the past. I still hurt. Why do I hurt so much?_

Akira closed his eyes for a moment and wrapped his arms around himself, smothering another cough. He was just about to fall back asleep when another thought struck him. 

_If I'm sick and stay in bed all day, I won't be able to meet Shindou at the Go Salon. If I don't meet him today, I might not see him until the next game day. And if I'm still sick I'll miss that, too. Should I call him and tell him I can't come? Maybe I should just leave a message at the Go Salon. Or...or I could try to go anyway. I won't be able to play my best, but I could still see Shindou. I don't know why, but--but I want to see him._

The thought seemed to warm Akira up a bit, and he decided to try getting out of bed. Gathering up his energy, he managed to get shakily to his feet. The world swirled around him, and he promptly sat back down. 

_This is ridiculous. I shouldn't go anywhere today. I feel awful. My head hurts, and I'm shivering and coughing. It's best to stay in bed. But...Shindou will be waiting for me. He's expecting to meet me. _Akira gathered his strength and managed to stand up again. He stumbled over to the wall and leaned on it, waiting for his legs to stop shaking. _Is this really a good idea? If I can't even get out of my room I won't be able to make it past my parents without them realizing something's wrong with me._

Despite all the warnings of his common sense and aching head, Akira walked over to his closet and prepared to get dressed. There was a soft knock on the door and his mother poked her head in. 

"Akira-san, are you all right? Breakfast is ready, and you're usually dressed by now." 

"I'm just getting my clothes now," Akira told her, trying to turn his head so that his hair acted as a shield to hide the redness of his face. Akiko was just turning to leave when Akira began coughing. 

"Akira-san?" Akiko took a step towards him and Akira mentally cursed as she put a hand on his forehead. "Oh my, I think you have a fever. Perhaps you should lie down." 

"N-no, really, I'm fine," Akira tried to back away, but he was seized by another coughing fit. 

"You don't sound fine at all." Akira reluctantly allowed his mother to lead him back to bed. "I think you should stay in bed today." 

"But I--" Akira sighed and gave in. "All right. Would it be okay for me to make a phone call though? I was supposed to meet someone at the Go Salon today and I need to let him know I won't be able to show." 

"That's fine. But then you should go back to bed. I'll make you some soup." Akiko smiled and left the room. Akira followed her, stopping by the phone. He picked up the receiver and paused. 

_I know the Go Salon's number,_ he mused. _So should I leave a message there? Or--or would it be okay if I found Shindou's number and called him? I would... Akira shifted nervously. I would like to hear his voice._

Akira grimaced and shook his head, smothering another cough. _Stupid. What sort of thought is that? Wanting to hear Shindou's voice. Why would I ever want to hear him? He's so loud and irritating. Wanting to hear him is most certainly not a good reason to bother calling him, especially not in the morning. He's probably eating breakfast right now. There's no point in bothering him by calling, except that..._

Akira stopped that line of thought and stared blankly at the telephone receiver for a long moment. Then he sighed and left a message at the Go Salon. 

The rest of the day passed slowly as Akira sat alone in his room, mostly sleeping. About midday he finally roused himself, sitting up and glancing at the clock. 

_It's already past the time when I was supposed to meet Shindou._ Akira wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and wandered over to the Goban in the corner of his room, sitting down to recreate a few games while he was still awake. His headache had subsided to dull throb, but he was still shivering and coughing. _And today_ I'll _be the one who doesn't show up. What ever could have possessed me, to make me prefer walking home in the rain over asking Shindou to share his umbrella? _Akira scowled as he placed a stone. _But it wasn't just that I couldn't ask. Shindou just ran off before I could say anything, running after that friend of his. He didn't even wait for my answer. Am I not that important to him? I'm not his friend, just his rival. What--what does he feel for me?_

_No. That's not the question I should ask. What do _I _feel for _him? 

Akira shivered and tried to steer himself away from that line of thought. 

_I won't think about him. I won't ask such stupid, unanswerable questions. Why--why should my feelings for Shindou be important? Why should I think of him?_ Akira started to place a stone, then paused and placed it in a different spot than he had been previously about to. He scowled down at the board. _I'm playing that game again. That same game that never leaves my thoughts. Just like Shindou. I won't let myself do that again. I'll play a different game, any game. But not _that _one. Not the one that makes me think of him. Not that game. Not again._

"Akira-san?" Akira glanced up as his mother poked her head in. "Oh, you're up! You have a visitor." 

"A visitor?" Akira repeated in surprise. _That's strange. Who would want to visit me? _A thought struck him. _Surely not..._ Akira swallowed hard. "Send him in." 

Akiko nodded and turned to talk to someone waiting just behind the door. Akira heard the murmuring of voices, and then Shindou Hikaru entered his room. It was all Akira could do to turn back to the Goban and pretend to be disinterested. 

"Shindou. What are you doing here?" His voice shook slightly, and Akira was thankful that he could blame the shake on the fever. 

"Well, I heard you were sick." Hikaru looked slightly nervous. "You weren't at the Go Salon and all, and I asked that lady where you lived.....I figured you wouldn't mind if I came to see you." 

"You didn't have to come," Akira said, purposefully keeping his eyes trained on the Go board. "It's just a cold." 

"Yeah, I figured, but..." Hikaru shifted. "I dunno. I just thought it would be a good idea to see how you were feeling and all. Especially since I couldn't make it up to you for being late since you're sick and all." 

"Are you just going to stand there and stare at me all day?" Akira asked, still not looking up. _Go away, Shindou, please. If--if you stay I won't be able to stop thinking about you. So please..._

"Hey, you don't have to be mean about it!" Hikaru walked over and sat on the other side of the Go board. "Shouldn't you be in bed anyway? I mean, if you're sick...." 

"I'm feeling better now," Akira said flatly. He risked a glance at Hikaru, then coughed once before risking a careful question. "Were you.....were you worried about me?" 

"Well, yeah!" Hikaru said, leaning across the board. "I figured there was no way you'd miss meeting me for a game unless you were really sick. Especially after you were so mad at me for being late." 

"I see." Akira felt a blush steal across his face and was grateful for the fever that disguised it. _He was worried. About _me._ That--that makes me happy, for some reason. I don't even know why, I'm just....just glad. I'm happy that he cared enough to worry. _He looked back up at Hikaru. "Do you want to play a game?" 

"Huh?" Hikaru looked surprised. "Are you sure you're up to it? I don't wanna make pass out or anything." 

"I won't pass out," Akira said, managing a small smile. "I told you, I'm feeling a bit better. We could play here, since I couldn't meet you. I won't be at my best, but we could still play." 

"If you want to." Hikaru shrugged. "I just don't wanna make you even more sick than you are now. What happened anyway? You seemed fine yesterday." 

"I...." Akira trailed off, looking away. "My umbrella was broken, so I--I walked home in the rain." 

"What? Geez, Touya, for a smart guy that was a pretty dumb move." Hikaru cocked his head. "Why didn't you say something when I asked?" 

"I just..." Akira shook his head. "That's not important, Shindou. Shall we play?" 

"Sure, but--" Akira cut him off angrily. 

"Are we going to play or not?" 

"I was just wondering!" Hikaru said defensively. 

"If I had told you, what would you have done?" Akira looked up suddenly, staring into Hikaru's eyes. He could hear the urgency and the edge of anger in his voice, and he wasn't even sure why it was there. "Would you run on ahead anyway, just the way you did?" 

"What kinda question is that?" Hikaru said, looking a little annoyed. "I thought you wanted to play a game." 

Akira suddenly felt anger boil up inside him, unexpected and unreasonable, but there nonetheless. He thrust one hand into the stone cask nearest to him, grabbed a stone, and slammed it on the board with such force that Hikaru jumped at the sound. 

"Hey, calm down!" 

"I am calm!" Akira snapped. He was looking towards the wall, and his hair hid his expression. _You didn't answer me. Why didn't you answer? Is it because you know that the answer would make me angry? Would you really have left me to walk home alone even if I_ had _asked, then?_

"You don't sound very--" 

"Make a move or leave!" Akira had abandoned all pretense of politeness, and Hikaru was shocked at the force behind his words. 

"Geez Touya, what's wrong with you?" Hikaru leaned forward as if to touch Akira's forehead. "Is your fever--" 

"Don't touch me," Akira hissed, backing away and pulling the blanket tighter around his shivering frame. _Go away, Shindou. I--I can't handle this. You're saying things and you're coming close, and my head hurts and my body aches and I can't--can't think. Is it the fever or is it you?_

"Why're you so mad at me?" Akira's bad mood seemed to have spread to Hikaru, whose face was a mix of irritation and confusion. "I was just seeing if you're all right!" A thought occurred to him. "A-are you still mad at me because I missed our meeting at the Go Salon? I told you, I'm really sorry about that! I was gonna make it up to you today and all, and--" 

"That's not it," Akira said. He sighed and put a hand up to his head. "Or maybe that _is_ it. Or--" He winced and shook his head. "My head hurts." 

Hikaru's face softened and he crouched down worriedly on the floor next to Akira.Akira froze. 

_H-he's close. He's too close._ Akira closed his eyes tight and kept his face averted, trying to ignore the sudden too-loud beating of his heart and the close proximity of Hikaru. _What is it? I--I feel so--_ Akira swallowed hard. _This isn't normal. Why is my heart beating so fast? Why do I feel so strange? It s him, isn't it. I--I feel...something...for him. And I don't know what it is. My head's pounding and my heart's pounding, and its like the world's not working right and I can't find a logical explanation for it all._

"Maybe you should go back to bed." Hikaru took Akira's arm and tried to help him stand. Akira barely managed to pull away. 

"I--I can get up myself." Akira put one hand on the wall and pulled himself to his feet. "C-could you just leave, please? I'm not feeling well." 

"Sure." Hikaru's voice was uncharacteristically subdued, and he looked worried. "Are you....gonna be okay?" 

"I'll be fine," Akira said, waving dismissively. With an effort he managed to keep his voice distant and calm. "Thank you for coming to check on me, Shindou. We'll meet at the Go Salon some other time, all right?" 

"Right." Hikaru nodded and took a step towards the door. "Um....get better soon, okay? I wanna get a chance to practice with you again." 

"Of course." Akira looked away, no emotion in his voice, doing his best to act as if he were only barely concerned with Hikaru's presence. "Now, please, leave. I'm very tired." 

"Y-yeah, okay. Bye, Touya. Feel better." Hikaru stared at Akira for a long moment, shifting awkwardly, before he finally turned and left. Once he was gone, Akira sank down on his bed and sighed shakily. 

_I don't understand. I just don't understand. One moment I'm angry at him, the next....I just don't understand. Is it all the fever, or is it something more?_ He put a hand to his head. _It hurts when he's near, and I don't know why. It's almost as if.... _

As if I lo--- 

No! Akira cut the thought off midway, then shook his head and fell back against his pillow, pulling his blanket up over his head. _No. No, that's not it. I shouldn't be thinking about that, about him. I won't. I'll ignore him, hate him if I must. Then at least things will make sense. I won't let myself feel things for him. It's too complicated, too confusing....I'll ignore him. I'll make sure he's nothing to me. If--if that's what it takes to stop all these thoughts, that's what I'll do. _

Akira hid his head under his pillow and tried not to think about anything at all. 

----- 

Hey, at least I didn't make him walk home in the rain this time. I'm being charitable! After all, angsty Touya is fun ^_^ 


	4. Inconsolable

**

Wish We Never Met Chapter Four

**

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah disclaimer-cakes. Nothing's mine. 

Shamless Plug: While I was being a bad author and ignoring this poor li'l fic, I wrote a nice PWP AkiHika fic for you all (PWP meaning "Plot? What plot?" meaning random gratuitous sex). I can't upload it here obviously, because of the stupid NC-17 ban, but it's up at my website (http://diamondroad.cjb.net) for your perusal and enjoyment. Feedback on it would be appreciated, as long as it's not of the flame-y kind. 

Author's Notes: I'm so, so sorry it took me so long to finish this chapter! I've been flirting with my new nemesis, Writer's Block. Plus, college has been kicking my ass in the past few weeks, especially now, as it's finals week, but I wanted to get this chapter out. It may be a while before the next chapter gets posted because on Thursday I'm going home for winter break and I'll be away from my precious computer for three weeks, though I'll try to be as prompt as possible on the next chapter. Maybe. Hopefully. Anyway, read and review and enjoy and stuff. (And have a Happy Akiramas! ^_^) 

-------------- 

It wasn't until days later that Akira finally felt well enough to get out of bed. He didn't have any games that day, so decided instead to make his way to the Go Salon to practice. 

_If I hadn't been too busy wondering about Shindou to think clearly than I wouldn't have gotten sick in the first place,_ he thought darkly as he walked along the street towards the Go Salon. There was fresh snow on the ground again, and the air was bitingly cold. 

_Why do I still think of him? Why can't I stop?_ Akira sighed. _Well, I don't have to see him today. My next pro game isn't until tomorrow. I should take advantage of this day. This is one day that I don't have to see him, don't have to talk to him, don't have to explain myself to him. I should use today. Once I get to the Go Salon, I will practice my Go, and I won't think about him at all. That way, when the time comes tomorrow, I won't have to keep myself from thinking about him. Everything will be okay then. I--I won't have to deal with him at all._

_But why does he cause me such trouble?_ The question whirled around in his mind, begging for an answer that Akira was afraid to give. _I've never had this trouble before. I have had hundreds of different opponents, some stronger than me, some weaker, but I've never--never felt this way before, not about anyone. I didn't think I had it in me to feel this way. Yet....yet somehow....somehow he snaked inside while I wasn't looking. Somehow, he made me look at him. And it seems now like every time I glance back and see his face, I'm not sure whether I should stay and wait for him, or run away faster than I've ever run before. I don't think it's just competitive feelings. But what else is there? It's almost..._. 

_No. It's not_ that. _That's not the reason why. Any reason but that. _

Shaking his head, Akira started walking towards the Go Salon with new purpose in his step. He wouldn't let this get to him again. He wouldn't think about Hikaru now, on a day that was supposed to be completely devoid of anything Shindou. He would concentrate on Go, and only Go. 

"Hey, Touya! Touya!" 

Akira froze. He knew that voice. 

_No...I can't see him now. I don't want to see him now._ He started walking faster, and he could hear the voice behind him grow closer. 

"Touya, wait up! Hey!" 

_No...not today. Shindou, I can't deal with you today. Not today. Not any day. Can't you just disappear, so that I don't have to think about your voice, your face? I wish we'd never met. Then I wouldn't have to feel like this. I wouldn't be confused like this. I--I would be able to walk my path steadily, with purpose, never looking back in the hope...in the hope that I would see you there, waiting for me and smiling...._ Akira was almost running now, panting heavily. His legs, wholly unused to such activity, ached horribly. He heard Hikaru's voice drop off and for a moment had hope that Hikaru had given up chasing him and had wandered off in the other direction. 

"Geez, what's your problem? Why're you running?" Hikaru seemed to appear out of nowhere as he grabbed Akira by the shoulder. Akira half pulled away, and then his legs gave up from under him and he sank into the snow, a little more defeated than before. 

"Shindou. Why were following me?" Akira tried to make his tone icy and calm, but failed miserably. He was still breathing hard, and his pant legs were getting wet from the snow. 

"I asked you a question first! Why were you running from me? I just wanted to say hi!" Hikaru crossed his arms irritably and crouched in the snow next to Akira, looking suddenly a little concerned. "Hey, you are you all right? Shouldn't you still be in bed or something?" 

"I'm fine," Akira half-snapped. "And I wouldn't have been running from you if you weren't following me. And now I'm tired and I'm wet and it's all your fault!" Akira realized that he was acting immature and he didn't care. He suddenly wanted Hikaru to go far, far away, and he didn't care what it took to make sure that happened. 

_"My_ fault?" Hikaru squawked indignantly. "I was on my way to your stupid Go Salon since I figured if you were feeling better you'd be there. _You're_ the one who started running away from me like I had some kinda disease." 

"Usually when someone starts running away from you, it means that they don't want to talk right now," Akira muttered. "I'm not in the mood to deal with you today, Shindou. Now leave me alone." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hikaru looked rather hurt, and Akira felt a pang of guilt. "L-look, Touya, if you're mad at me then could you--" 

"I'm not mad at you," Akira interrupted. He sighed and put a hand to his head. "Maybe I am. I don't know, I just..." He trailed off. After a long moment of silence, he raised his head again and gave Hikaru a rather emotionless smile. "My apologies, Shindou, I must not be as cured as I thought. Do you still want to play at the Go Salon? I was on my way there anyway." 

"Ah...sure, if--if you're sure you're feeling okay." Hikaru helped Akira to his feet. "You know, you've been actin' really weird lately, Touya. Is this still because I was late that one time?" 

"Don't be ridiculous," Akira said flatly. "Come on, I'm getting cold just standing here." Akira resumed walking without even looking back to see if Hikaru was following. After a moment, Hikaru reappeared walking beside him, uncharacteristically subdued. 

_Why do I keep doing this? Getting mad for no reason at all. I'm not even sure if he's the one I'm mad at._ Akira glanced at Hikaru out of the corner of his eye. _I should have just sent him away. It's just....I don't know. I'm never sure how to act when he's around. It's as if he changes me somehow, just by being himself. If I told him how I'm feeling now, how confused I am, he might be able to help me figure things out, except that--that I'm afraid to tell him. I'm afraid of what he might say. _

I'm afraid that he might tell me the right answer to my question. And then I'm afraid that I would lose him completely. 

"Oh, Akira-kun!" Ichikawa greeted him happily as the two boys walked into the Go Salon. "Are you feeling better?" 

"Yes, a bit better," Akira said, fixing a calm smile on his face. "Thank you for asking. Shindou and I will be in the back, okay?" 

"All right. Oh, you're wet!" Ichikawa leaned over the counter to look at the water dripping on the floor. 

"He fell into the snow," Hikaru reported. He gave Akira a strange look. "I think he shoulda stayed home again today." 

"I told you, I'm _fine_," Akira said. "And besides, we're already here. Let's play a game." Without waiting for a reply, Akira headed towards the back of the Go Salon. 

"Er, right." Hikaru hurried after him, still looking concerned. As he sat down across from Akira, he noticed that the other boy's hands were shaking. "Um, Touya, your hands--" 

"It's just the cold," Akira said dismissively. "I'll warm up in a moment." He paused. "I'm....I'm sorry I was short with you before. I haven't been myself lately." 

"Yeah, I noticed," Hikaru said. "But you don't have to apologize. I mean, you were sick and all and I....I kinda feel like it's my fault, since I didn't wait around to see if there was something wrong with your umbrella." Hikaru rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Plus I was late that other time and all....I haven't been a very good friend or anything lately, have I?" 

"Friend?" Akira said slowly. "Is that what we are?" 

"Huh?" Hikaru looked up at him. "What'd you say, Touya?" 

"Are we friends, Shindou?" Akira repeated. "Are we really?" 

"What kinda thing is that to say?" Hikaru demanded. "Of course we're friends! I--I mean, we play Go together, don't we? And I came to see you when you were sick, and we went to lunch together that other day--" 

"Is that it?" Akira said. His eyes were hooded, and he seemed to be talking more to himself than Hikaru. "Is that all that there is between us? A few games? A rivalry that's been festering and growing since we were twelve? Is that really enough to make us friends?" Akira closed his eyes. "I don't think it is. We're not friends, not really. Not the way you think we are. If you hadn't said the word, I wouldn't know that we were friends. Someone just watching us wouldn't know. You don't treat me like one of your friends. Friends are people you do things with, right? Not people you forget about. Not people you make wait for two hours and don't even remember to call." 

"Is _that_ what this is about?" Hikaru said, jumping to his feet. "I thought you said you weren't mad about that anymore! Touya, I told you, I'm really really sorry! I didn't mean to make you wait and to not call and everything! Why're you so upset about this?" 

"Don't I have a right to be?" Akira asked. His voice was distant and he only barely seemed to be paying attention to Hikaru. "You forgot about me. Would you have forgotten about me if I was anyone else but Touya Akira? Like your other friends, the ones whose names I can never remember. You would have remembered about them, I'm sure of it. But not me. Never me. I'm not your friend. I've--I've never been your friend." 

"That's not true!" Hikaru's tone was desperate. "Touya, you shouldn't say stuff like that. We are friends. I--I told you, I'm sorry about before! It was stupid of me, okay? I was dumb and forgot to call. I do stuff like that all the time, you know that! Waya's always talking about what an idiot I am, since I'm not good with common sense type stuff the way you are. But me forgetting didn't have anything to do with you. I just--" 

"Just forgot about me completely," Akira said. "No, Shindou, we're not friends. I--" He paused and laughed bitterly. "I don't have any friends. No one cares to befriend Touya Akira. Why should they? Why should you?" 

"Touya, I--" Hikaru started to object again, and Akira cut him off, standing abruptly. 

"You don't have to try and make me feel better. I understand perfectly what we are to each other, even if you don't realize it. I need some air, all right? I'll be back in a few minutes and we can play." Akira began to walk off. Hikaru moved as if to stop him, then paused and sank back down in his chair, his face troubled. Akira walked out into the hall and leaned against the wall, wrapping his arms around himself. 

_Idiot!_ he mentally berated himself. _Why did you say all that? You idiot! _Akira closed his eyes and realized that he was trembling. _Why did I do that? He'll never leave me alone now. He'll never understand._ I _don't understand. I don't know what made me say that. It was just....suddenly he started talking, and then I began to reply and I just--just couldn't stop myself._

Akira put a hand over his face and pulled it back swiftly when he felt wetness on it. 

_Crying? Why am I crying?_ He wiped angrily at the tears. _I don't understand this at all! I just--just want everything to go back to the way it was before I had Shindou to deal with. Back when I understood everything, before things became so complicated. It was simple before. I had nothing but Go. I just played, and practiced, and won and lost games and learned everything I needed to know and I understood it all. No emotions. No worries. No--no stupid Shindou leaning over my shoulder, smiling in my direction, sharing his umbrella and eating lunch with me, playing games with me, making me think about him and feel for him and--and--_

_And it's not just friendship I'm feeling. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be his rival. I--I want something_ more._ I just don't know what. What do I want? What am I feeling? Why do I have so many questions that I can't answer, so many feelings that I haven't felt before?_

Akira stepped away from the wall and turned back towards the Go Salon, peering in the door. Hikaru was still sitting in the back where Akira had left him. The other boy was running his hands distractedly through the cask of stones, deep in thought. 

_What do you think of me, Shindou? Do you really think that we're friends? I don't know. You're a person who would say something like that without thinking it through first. I know you. You don't think about things like this._ Hikaru looked up and glanced towards the door, and Akira moved back into the hallway, out of sight. _You wouldn't. You just say we're friends because it's the first word that pops into your mind, but you don't think about the meaning behind the word. You never think about things like that. I'll never understand what I see in a person like you. At first, I thought it was just your skill in Go, but even after your skills proved inferior to mine, I still cared about you. No matter how much I lied to myself and said I didn't care about you, I knew it wasn't true. So what is it that I see in you? You're not like me at all. You don't think about things. You don't have any common sense and you're happy even when there's no reason to be, and you don't give up even when logic says you should. You shouldn't be anyone that I could care about. _

But you are. And I do. 

Akira took a shaky breath and tried to compose himself. Wiping the last traces of tears from his cheeks and running a hand through his hair, he straightened and walked back into the Go Salon, an impassive look on his face. Hikaru jumped to his feet as Akira approached. 

"Touya! Are you all right? Look, I--" 

"Skip it," Akira said coldly. "It doesn't matter." 

"Like hell it doesn't!" Hikaru argued. "Touya, I don't know what's making you act weird like this, but you have to listen to me. We _are_ friends. And I know it was dumb of me to forget about you and that it wasn't a good thing to do and all, but that doesn't change anything. You're still my friend." 

"Stop saying that," Akira hissed. "Stop saying those ridiculous things that you don't even think about beforehand. Let's just play." 

"I'm not gonna play until you start talking to me," Hikaru said, shaking his head stubbornly. "What's gotten into you lately, Touya? I thought we were okay before, and now all of the sudden it's like you're a whole different person." 

"How many times do I have to say that I don't want to talk until you'll listen to me?" Akira replied darkly. "Go is all there is between us, Shindou. So either we can play a game, or I'm going back home." 

"I'm not letting you go anywhere until we talk," Hikaru said resolutely. "I know you were annoyed when I didn't show up before and all, but you're totally overreacting and--" 

"I am _not_ overreacting!" Akira snapped. "I've had enough of this, Shindou. I--I can't stand spending time with you like this anymore. Every time you look at me I--I start thinking, and feeling, and--and I just can't stand it anymore! I don't want to have to think about you. I don't want to have to hear your voice in my ears even after you've left, I don't want to have to see your face in my dreams, I don't want any of it! I wish I'd never seen your face." There was a long moment of silence following this outburst. Hikaru swallowed hard and spoke, his tone soft. 

"Touya..." 

"I wish I'd never met you," Akira breathed. "I wish you'd never asked to play me." He suddenly grabbed his coat and darted past Hikaru, heading for the door. 

"Hey, Touya! Wait!" Hikaru ran after him. Ichikawa and the other patrons turned to stare at them as the two boys ran out of the Salon. Akira made a beeline straight for the stairs and ran blindly down them, aware only of the thought swirling madly inside his head and Hikaru's footsteps echoing behind him. 

Akira half-stumbled out the door and paused, somewhat unprepared for the blast of cold air that met him as he exited the building. That brief pause was all Hikaru needed to catch up to him. 

"Geez, Touya, what is wrong with you? Why do you keep running away from me?" 

"Why?" Akira repeated bitterly, his back to Hikaru. He could feel tears welling up again, but he didn't have the strength to wipe them away this time. "Do you really want to know?" 

"Yeah! Touya, come on, talk to me." Hikaru's voice sounded very lost and confused. "Why are you acting so weird?" 

"Because I think I love you," Akira said quietly. He turned to face the shocked Hikaru and made his eyes as cold as possible. "And I don't want to." 

Before Hikaru could say anything or even process what the other boy had said, Akira turned again and ran off, disappearing among the crowd and the snow. 

---- 

Bad place to end, I know. Don't hit me! Next chapter will be posted some time after I get back from holiday break and write it and all. 


	5. Over You

**Wish We Never Met**

Disclaimer: I _still_ own nada, zip, zilch. Oh, and I don't own Hikago either. 

Author's Notes: That didn't take too long, did it? I've only been back from vacation for a week and I really wanted to get this finished after the cliffhanger I left this fic on last time. (Not that this chapter's any better in that respect...) Anyway, new chapter, read, review and enjoy. 

---- 

Akira pushed his way through the crowd, not caring that he was being rude. He just wanted to get away, far away, before Hikaru could overcome his shock and drag up the presence of mind to follow his fleeing rival. 

_What was I _thinking? He ducked into an alley and leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. His legs were shaking again, unused to the constant running away. 

_But isn't that what I've been doing, for a very long time? I've just been running away, again and again, because I can't face it. I can't face _him. _I--I can't even face _me. _My emotions. It's all too new, too--too--I don't know. _Wrong._ That's what it is. Wrong. I'm sure of it. Me feeling is wrong. I didn't want to feel._

Akira carefully peered out into the street, and almost immediately caught sight of Hikaru, wandering along and looking left and right, obviously searching for him. Akira hung back, hiding in the shadows, and crouched down so that he was nothing more than a darkened shape huddling on the cold hard ground. He felt tears still wet on his face and angrily wiped them away. 

_I don't want to talk anymore, Shindou. I've said enough. I've said too much._ He glanced up slowly, then ducked his head again as he caught sight of Hikaru walking past. There was a strange look on the other boy's face, a mixture of confusion and something else that Akira couldn't quite name. 

_Is he upset? He should be. What I said... _Akira shook his head wildly. _I didn't mean it. I _couldn't _mean it. Touya Akira doesn't fall in love. It's just not something that I could do. I'm supposed to be calm, emotionless. Go is the only thing I'm supposed to love. I can't let myself have...feelings for someone. And he's my rival besides! I'm not supposed to love him, I'm not! He's only here for me to play against. I'm not supposed to love him. I don't want to love him._

Akira stayed huddled in the dark for what seemed to be a very long time, until he was absolutely certain that Hikaru had stopped searching for him. He rose shakily and stumbled back out into the street. The sky seemed far too gray all of the sudden. 

_So what do I do now? Shindou won't let me forget this. He certainly won't let me get by him without...talking. _The word was almost a curse in his mind. _And what will I say then? That it was a mistake? That I shouldn't have said it? Because I truly feel that I shouldn't have. But Shindou won't let it go that easily. He's not the type to do something like that, because he doesn't quite understand who I am. I don't want to talk or explain. I--I just want to pretend it never happened. To pretend I never knew him_. 

_But what would I have been then?_ The thought crept in uninvited. _What kind of person would I be without Shindou? Not the one I am now, certainly. Before I met him I was...I don't know. Not quite empty, not quite halved, but not full or whole either. I was--was--waiting, I suppose. For someone. For him. Even before I knew him, I was waiting for him. I needed a rival, I know that. _

But I don't need someone to love. I don't. 

Akira glanced back towards the Go Salon, half-expecting to see Hikaru still standing in the street, looking for him. Seeing no one familiar, he sighed and began the long walk home. 

_I have a game tomorrow, as does Shindou. Perhaps I can show up late, miss him? No, that won't work. He'll pester me during lunch, or after the game. I could stay home again, but I don't want to miss another game. _He sighed and shivered as the cold wind blew his hair into his face. _This won't work. I--I can't--I--_

Akira swallowed hard and leaned against a building, letting his thoughts trail off. 

_What if Shindou doesn't want to talk either?_ The thought was unexpected, and Akira felt another shiver run through him. _I'd like that, but...but what would it mean? What I just said...was he be offended by it? Angry? He may well hate me now, for all I know. Perhaps he never even wants to see me again. Perhaps he was chasing after me to tell me never to speak to him again._

_Perhaps....it's always perhaps. Could I handle it if it was more than just a 'perhaps?' I don't want to love him, but--but I don't want to lose him, either. I--I feel like I want everything one moment and then nothing the next, that I want him to stay beside me and play against me, but then a moment later I find myself wishing I'd never seen him. _

_No. I won't think about this now. Tomorrow I'll deal with it all, somehow. Right now...right now I just want to pretend that I never said a word to him. That I never cared for him in any way. _Hardening his resolve, Akira strode purposefully towards home. Without even realizing it he looked back one last time, but saw no familiar face. Pulling his coat tighter around himself, Akira went home. 

~~~

The next day he stood in the cold and the wet outside of the Go Institute, staring upwards. He wasn't quite ready to go in yet. 

_Will Shindou be there already?_ he wondered. _He's generally close to being late, but...I'm not sure. There must be some way to avoid him, there _must. _I can't face him anymore, not after all those foolish things I said. _

Glancing around furtively, Akira hurried inside. He settled himself in an out of the way corner just adjacent to the room where the games were to be held, and kept his eyes on the elevator door. He couldn't help but grimace at the irony of it--only a few days ago he had been in a similar position, waiting for Shindou, but that time he had been _trying_ to talk to the other boy. Now Akira only wanted to ignore him. 

"Akira-kun?" A voice called his name and Akira jumped, surprised. He turned to see Ashiwara approaching him. 

"Ah, Ashiwara-san, h-hello," he stammered, trying to appear calm and unruffled while continuing to keep one eye on the elevator. 

"Are you feeling better already? Touya-sensei mentioned that yesterday you came home looking very pale. And I heard that you ran out of the Go Salon, too," Ashiwara said, concern in his tone. 

"I'm fine," Akira said quickly, trying to decide if it would be better to keep up the conversation, thus making sure that he was occupied whenever Hikaru happened to show up, or if he should rather find a way to end it swiftly, so that he could hide unseen in the shadows again. "Yesterday was just a--a bad day." He swallowed hard. "Shindou and I had another fight, that was all. He's very...irritating." He paused and glanced back at the door. "I'm going into the game room now. If you see Shindou, would you please tell him that I don't want to talk him?" 

"Okay, but--" Akira had ducked inside before Ashiwara could even finish his sentence. The man stared after Akira for a moment, then shrugged and wandered over to talk to another player who had just arrived. 

_There it is, then. If Shindou asks about me--would he ask?-- he'll know that I don't want to talk to him,_ can't_ talk to him._ Akira leaned against the wall, his eyes closed, trying to let his thoughts run their course before the game. _I have to make myself forget him, no matter what it takes. I won't play distractedly, like last time. I will be focused, and I will not think of Shindou. I--I don't need him. There are many others who could be my rival, others who play better than he does. It doesn't matter if no one else my age is really of any concern to me, other than him. He will be just another opponent, if that is what it takes to keep me from seeing him as someone special. If I have to force myself to ignore him, to despise him if need be, that's what I'll do. _

I won't love him. I refuse to. I am Touya Akira, and Touya Akira has nothing but Go. 

Satisfied but not really, Akira moved away from the wall towards one of the Gobans sitting in the room. His opponent would likely be there shortly; other pros were already filing in. Akira tried not to look at the door, but found his gaze drawn there anyway. 

The room was nearly full when Hikaru walked in the door. Akira felt himself tense up as the other boy looked at him. There was confusion and hurt plain in his face, and Akira felt his heartbeat quicken. He swiftly looked away. 

_I don't care about you, Shindou, _he thought, as if he could send the thoughts straight from his mind to Hikaru's. _Do you understand me? I don't care about you. I'm not your friend. And I don't love you._

Hikaru began to walk towards him, and it was all Akira could do to his keep his gaze on the empty Go board. The other boy paused beside him and opened his mouth as if to speak, but Akira purposefully turned him head away. 

"Touya, we need to--" Hikaru began, and Akira cut him off swiftly. 

"Don't you have a game?" His tone was cool, emotionless. Hikaru paused. Had Akira been looking at him, he might have seen Hikaru's face fall. But Akira still had his face averted, and Hikaru moved on with nothing more than a small sigh. Akira heard him and turned his head just slightly, trying to get one last look at Hikaru while continuing to use his hair as a shield between him and the other boy. 

_Stop it!_ The mental command was swift, and Akira immediately turned to face his opponent, who had just settled down across from him, and who noticeably paled at the sudden fierce look in Akira's eyes. _Don't look at him. Don't even give that small bit of encouragement. He'll want to talk if you do. And I can't talk to him. I--I just can't._

The game began, and Akira kept a tight rein on his thoughts. For once, he wanted to be anywhere but there, to be doing anything but sitting in that room playing Go, with Hikaru just a ways behind him. More than once Akira was tempted to turn his head, to look and see if Hikaru was looking at him, and each time he kept himself from doing so. He still couldn't keep from feeling angry at himself, however, and it showed in his face and his Go. His opponent looked almost frightened at the intensely furious light shining in Akira's green eyes. 

This _is how I should be playing, _Akira thought, almost feverishly. _Just like this. No thoughts of love or Shindou or--or feelings. What use are feelings? It's just like in Go. If you lose emotionally, then you'll never be able to pull out a win. So I won't let myself lose. Just like Go. I'll smother my feelings as best I can, I'll go back to the person I was before, the one who never cared for Shindou or anyone else. I'll be the person who never trembled at a touch, never sighed in the morning dew, never spent long nights dreaming and wishing and barely being aware of it. I'll be nothing more than my Go. Nothing beyond that. _

This I do for you, Shindou. Because I cannot allow myself to fall so far as to love you. Akira laid a stone on the board and stared at it. _Like this stone. I will be completely alone, black surrounded by a sea of white emptiness. No one will touch me. Least of all a person like you_. 

Akira was just about to make a few moves that would effectively cripple his opponent's game when lunch break was called. Akira remained seated, forcing himself not to look back at the footsteps approaching. 

_Move past me, Shindou. Move past. Don't stop, please._ Akira was about to risk a look when Hikaru sat down across from him. Akira hurriedly got to his feet and made a beeline for the door. 

"Hey, Touya, wait!" Hikaru moved after him, and Akira whirled to face him. 

"I'm not talking to you, Shindou," he said forcefully. "So I would appreciate it if you would afford me the same courtesy." 

Hikaru seemed rather taken aback by the strength in that statement, but he recovered with his typical resiliency. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" He reached for Akira's arm, and the other boy stepped just out of reach. "Touya, we have to talk about this! I--I mean, yesterday, you said--" 

"I _know_ what I _said,_" Akira hissed. "I didn't mean it. I'm not in love with you. I--I don't even _like_ you!" 

Hikaru's face seemed to pale a bit. 

"You're lying!" he argued. "We're friends, Touya, and we've been friends for a while, you know that! So why are you--" 

"We are not _friends_!" Akira nearly yelled. "We're nothing to each other, Shindou, nothing! I--I hate you, do you understand? Hate you. My feelings for you are as far from love as possible. I--I can't stand the sight of you!" 

"Why do you keep acting like this?" Hikaru said, beginning to get angry himself. "I mean, I miss one meeting at the Go Salon and you go nuts! First you're acting all weird and kinda-angry, and then you say you're fine but end up walking in the rain and getting sick and suddenly you're mad at me again, and then I see you on the street and you're running from me and you're all mad at me again, and then you tell me that--that you love me and now you're saying that you hate my guts! What the heck is going on with you?" 

"Don't you get it?" Akira said coldly. "This is all your fault. Before I met you, I was--was happy. I understood everything that came along. And even if I--if I was, somehow, waiting for you, it didn't matter, because everything was simple and I had at least a semblance of happiness. Then _you_ show up, you--you burrow inside me, making me feel things that I never wanted to feel. Now I'm stuck with all these ridiculous thoughts that just won't stop, with all these pointless feelings that I never needed. And it's all your fault, Shindou, because you couldn't leave well enough alone. You had to chase me, follow along behind me, forcing me to stop facing ahead as I walk, making me turn my head to look for you, wait for you. I don't want that. I don't want any of that. Now it seems like whatever I try, whatever I am, it all comes back to you. Every game I play, I wonder what moves you would play against me. Every sentence I say, I wonder what your reaction would be. I keep feeling, and thinking, and acting like I never have before, and I just can't handle it. Anything, any_one_ but you. So I have to hate you, do you understand? Because it's the only way I can cope with all this." 

"Well it's a stupid way!" Hikaru shot back. "You can't keep running from me, Touya! All that stuff you said yesterday...you might wanna forget it, but I'm not going to. You gotta _face_ this kinda stuff, not ignore it!" 

"What would _you_ know?" Akira said acidly. "You're an idiot. Always running around, doing and saying things without any thought at all. You've got no sense of logic, of--of perfect common sense. You're all emotion and reaction. You wouldn't understand this." 

_"You're_ the one who's being unreasonable!" Hikaru stated. "Maybe I'd understand if you'd stop switching moods ever day and half! You can't just make me go away by refusing to talk to me!" 

"That doesn't mean I can't try," Akira said in a low voice, turning once more to go. Hikaru grabbed for him and this time caught his wrist in a firm grip. 

"Touya, I'm not letting you avoid me!" 

Akira barely remembered what happened next. There was just a moment when he was filled with anger at Hikaru, at himself, and without even realizing it, he lashed out. There was a resounding 'slap' as Akira's hand hit Hikaru's face and Hikaru stumbled back, letting go of Akira's wrist and looking completely shocked. 

Silence settled in the space between them. Hikaru was touching the growing red mark on his cheek with a sense of almost disbelief, while Akira just stood rigid in front of him, still trying to process his actions. 

"A-all right." Hikaru's voice was uncharacteristically subdued, almost sad. "I'll leave you alone now, okay?" 

Without another word Hikaru walked past Akira, out into the hallway and out of Akira's line of sight. 

_What did I just do?_ Akira's legs gave out from under him and he knelt just in front of the doorway, his arms wrapped around himself. He glanced back the way Hikaru had gone. 

_At least I've taken care of one thing. If he didn't hate me before... then he certainly does now._

---- 

I'm gonna get hit for that one too, aren't I? Ah well. On to writing the next chapter! ::scurries off:: 


	6. Let the Sun Fall Down

**Wish We Never Met** Chapter Six 

Disclaimer: See again: the not-owning of anything Hikago. 

Author's Notes: Da-dum! New chapter. A bit slow to update, but I've been feeling highly unmotivated lately. Then today I got hyper and wrote the rest of the chapter while watching old episodes of Angel and eating pocky. Go figure. Anyway, read, review, please don't hate. 

---- 

Lunch break passed slowly, and to Akira the time seemed particularly sluggish as he sat alone by the front door, lost in thought. 

_I'm an idiot. An absolute idiot. How could I let my temper loose like that? That's...it's not like me. I'm not supposed to do these things, act this way._ He sighed. _And it's all your fault, Shindou. You've changed me and I can't get back to where I was, but I don't want to move on to a new place, a new me. I don't like that sort of thought. _

Though I suppose it's all moot point now, isn't it? You'll never speak to me again, not after what I just did. 

"I should be happy, then," Akira said softly to the empty room. "Isn't that what I wanted? To never speak with him again? So I should be thankful. Thankful." 

The words sounded hollow even to his own ears. After a long moment of thought, Akira stood and peered out into the lobby. No one was there. A strange feeling swept over him, as if he was suddenly the only person in the entire building, in the entire universe. He felt cold and wrapped his arms around himself. 

_What stupid thoughts. What stupid, stupid thoughts. Who cares if I'm alone? I don't. I--I've always been alone. I know that._

"I know that," Akira repeated, trying to gain strength from the words and failing. _It's no surprise to me. I never liked spending time with people my own age. I accepted long ago that I didn't need friends to do--to do whatever it is friends do when they don't have to practice Go all day, every day. What do Shindou and his friends do, I wonder? He told me once, that they went places and did things that had absolutely nothing to do with Go. I was surprised, then. I didn't understand. I'm not sure if I do now. I--I know that--_

"Touya!" An angry voice sounded from behind him and Akira whirled. He spotted one of Hikaru's friends approaching him, looking angry. 

_Which one is it?_ Akira wondered with an almost detached air. _I can never remember the names of his friends, even when he told them to me_. 

"What the heck did you do to Shindou?" Hikaru's friend was right up beside him now, obviously irritated. 

"I didn't do anything," Akira immediately said. _Waya! That's it. His name is Waya. Shindou said he didn't like me. _

....None of them do. No one likes me. Isn't that what I wanted? 

"Like hell you didn't!" Waya glared fiercely at Akira and was rewarded with an icy stare. "Shindou's been actin' weird all day, and then he tells me and Isumi-san to go ahead to eat because he has to talk to you, and then when he finally shows up he's acting even weirder! Not to mention there was a big red spot on his face like--" 

"Like someone hit him?" Akira prompted. Waya started in surprise, apparently not expecting Akira's sudden interruption. "Yes, that's correct. I hit him." Akira's voice nearly shook, but he managed to control it and keep him tone firm, proud. "I hit him. He shouldn't have been bothering me. I asked him to leave me alone, he wouldn't. So...I hit him." 

"You _bastard,_" Waya said through gritted teeth. "I don't know why Shindou ever started hanging around with you." 

"Well, that makes two of us," Akira retorted. _Why should he spend time with me? It's his own fault that I hit him. If he hadn't been spending so much time with me he wouldn't have made me fall in love with him. Then I wouldn't be having these stupid thoughts and I wouldn't be having these stupid feelings and I wouldn't be having this pointless conversation with Shindou's loud and irritating friend._

"You're such a jerk," Waya said. "Shindou was always defending you, you know? Should've known you'd do something like this to him." 

"What do you care?" Akira said. He had long abandoned all pretense of politeness. "It's none of your business what passes between Shindou and I. I already know that you don't like me, so there's no need to have this conversation. It has nothing to do with you." 

"Shindou's my friend," Waya said irritably. "And so what if I don't like you? Shindou liked you and apparently that didn't do him any good. I just wanna make sure you don't hurt my friend any more." 

"It's his own fault he got hurt," Akira replied, turning away so that his face couldn't be seen. _It's his own fault he got hurt. It's my own fault that I'm hurt. So we can deal with our own wounds on our own. I don't need to talk to him and I certainly don't need to talk to his friend. _

...His friend. Akira glanced back at Waya, his eyes searching for something even he couldn't name. _You're Shindou's friend. Something I've never really been. Never really wanted to be, not at first. He was out playing games with you and that other one the day he was late. The one that started all of this foolishness, because I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was because he ignored me and spent time with you that all this happened. So it is his fault. It must be his fault. I'm sure these thoughts would have all gone away in their own time if only...if only he hadn't decided, without even realizing it, that I wasn't worth being on time for._

"You have nothing to worry about," Akira said, his voice quiet but forceful. "I won't be speaking to Shindou ever again. As far as I'm concerned, we're strangers." 

Without waiting for Waya's reply, Akira went back into the game room and knelt down before his board, waiting for lunch break to end. Waya stared after him for a moment, then turned and left. 

The room was already filling back up with players when Waya finally returned with Hikaru in tow. Hikaru was looking uncharacteristically subdued and thoughtful as Akira watched him out of the corner of his eye. 

_There's not even a mark on his face now,_ he thought. _You can't even tell that I hit him. It doesn't change the fact that I did, but...you can't tell. We could pretend it all never happened. If I asked, would he agree? I don't think so. Why would I ask? We can't forget, just like he won't forget what I said yesterday about loving him. That was a mistake too. Two mistakes. If we could somehow forget them both it would be okay, perhaps. Or perhaps not. I don't think it will ever be okay until I can get all these thoughts out of my head, until I can stop watching him out of the corner of my eyes, until I can stop my heart from beating a little bit faster when he's near. Then it will certainly be all right. I'll be myself again, not this--this mix of myself with Shindou inside. I'll be normal again. I won't love. Everything will be the way it should be._

_And again, I'll have nothing but Go. Nothing but Go. Nothing but...Shindou... No! Not him. Never him. Never again._

Akira's opponent took that moment to reappear and Akira swiftly cleared his mind and focused his eyes on the game. It was already as good as won and he knew it; he only had to take the time to forget Hikaru and play. He was thankful for the respite. 

It was only a few minutes later when Akira's opponent resigned. Akira bowed to him as the other pro stood to leave, then glanced surreptitiously back towards where Hikaru was sitting. The other boy still seemed to be fully occupied with his game. 

_Good. I can leave before he's even finished._ Akira stood and quietly left the room. He grabbed his shoes and coat and headed towards the door. _He likely won't finish until I'm already far away. Maybe I'll even be home by then. That will give me some time, at least until the next game day. After that...I don't know. Maybe there will be nothing after that. I'll go back to being just his rival. We won't have to keep trying to pretend we're friends. We won't be anything. _

That's what I want to be, isn't it? Just his rival. That's what I want. But.... 

But I'm lying. It's not what I want. I want to be.... 

I want to be his.... 

Akira shook his head and stepped outside, then quickly jumped back inside the building. It had begun raining again, and he could hear a low rumble of thunder in the distance. 

"Damn," Akira muttered under his breath. He didn't swear very often, and somehow it felt nice to do so, as if it was some sort of release. He had heard on the news that morning that it was supposed to rain, but he had been too preoccupied to even think about bringing an umbrella along. Besides, he hadn't yet gotten a new one, and he hadn't been sure if his parents had any extras lying around. _I'm not getting sick again. That's part of what caused all this in the first place. I'll....I'll just have to wait for it to stop._

Akira settled himself in a corner by one of the windows, sitting backwards on a soft red-cushioned chair, placing his arms on the inside windowsill and staring out at the rain, resting his chin on his upturned palms. He had been sitting there for around ten minutes when he heard familiar voices echoing down the hall. Akira turned slightly to look. 

"I still don't get how you could make such a dumb move, Shindou," Waya said as he, Hikaru and Isumi stepped out the elevator, umbrellas clutched tightly in their hands. Hikaru was smiling, but there was something strained in his expression. None of the boys had even noticed Akira perched on his chair in the corner. 

"I still won, didn't I?" Hikaru grumbled. 

"Barely," Isumi said. "Is something wrong, Shindou? You haven't been acting normal since we went to lunch." 

"I told you guys, I'm _fine!_" Hikaru said defensively. "I...I just got into a bit of a fight with Touya, that's all." 

"Touya hit him," Waya added. "That jerk." 

"He didn't--" Hikaru started to protest and Waya cut him off. 

"Yeah he did! He told me!" 

_"Touya Akira_ hit you?" Isumi raised an eyebrow. "He doesn't really seem like the fighting type. Waya, on the other hand...." 

"Isumi-san!" Waya squawked. 

"You did punch Mashiba-san that one time," Isumi reminded him. 

"Well....he had it coming," Waya grumbled. "Besides, we aren't talking about me. We were talking about Touya and--" 

"It's nothing," Hikaru said with finality. "Really, guys, it's not like Touya jumped me or anything." 

"How do we know that?" Waya murmured. 

"I _told_ you--" The three stepped outside into the rain and Akira heard Hikaru's voice trail off. He glanced back out the window, watching them walk off together, side by side. Akira felt a sudden sharp ache in his chest. The pain was almost palpable, almost real enough to bring tears to his eyes. 

_I want.... _

I want... 

I don't know what I want. I haven't ever wanted anyone before, so I can't understand how to respond. But Shindou.... 

I want.... 

I want to know how. I want to know how I feel, what I feel. I want to know what it is to feel. I want to know what it is to have these unknown fires burning inside me. 

I want.... 

I want to smother those fires. But then I can't stand that either. I want to know my own mind. I want to understand why this hurts so much, and why I keep rejecting these thoughts even when secretly I want to hold them to me. 

I want... 

I want to be one of them. I want to be able to talk to him in ways like those other boys, to just talk to him about nothing at all, or about something that happened in the past, or just lightly tease him and be teased back. I want to walk home in the rain with him. I want to touch his hand and see him smile. I want to make him smile. I want to hear him laugh. 

I.... 

I want... 

I want to stop lying to myself. I've been doing that from the start. Why do I keep doing that? I've never lied to myself before. I've always sought out the answers to my questions, rather than shying away from them. I've always picked a goal and sought it out, chose a path and followed it honestly. So why do I keep lying now? Why do I keep hiding the truth that I know is inside me? I'm not ready to love anyone. I think I'm scared of it. But still.... 

Still I want....I want to love him. And I want him to love me back. Is this a bad thing? Is it really wrong? Does it matter either way? I can't understand it. I want him..._ no matter what I tell myself, no matter what I say or do to him...I do want him. _

Akira felt tears well up in his eyes and he lowered his head, trying to hide them. One shaking hand clutched tightly at his shirt by his heart, as if injured. He turned around and sank into the chair, pulling his legs up close to his chest. 

_All that I really want is all I've been denying myself,_ he thought desperately._ I can't understand this. Is it okay, if I love him? Is it good, to feel this way, to want to be so close to him, to touch him and taste him and love him? _

Is it too late now? Have I ruined things? I think that he hates me now, but his face... that face wasn't Shindou's, not his normal face. I know how to read him, because I've watched him so long. He was upset. But after the shock of it passes, will he hate me? I should talk to him. 

But then what do I do if he hates me? I'm neck deep in a mess of my own making. I'm not used to that, either. I've never even been in trouble with my parents. Always Akira, the obedient child, never causes trouble, never makes a scene....so now what? I have to fix things. But I'm afraid. I've never been afraid like this in my life but... 

But I'm afraid that I've destroyed it all. 

"Akira?" A hand touched his shoulder and Akira jumped, nearly falling out of the chair. 

"Ashiwara-san?" Akira glanced up through his bangs, trying clumsily to hide his tears. 

"Is something wrong? Are you feeling sick or something? You looked like you were in pain," Ashiwara said, concerned. "Do you want me to call your parents?" 

"N-no, I'm all right," Akira choked out. "I just...it's nothing. I can't talk about it." 

"Are you sure? You don't sound well..." Ashiwara still looked worried. Akira swiftly wiped a hand across his eyes and looked up. His expression was tired and his face paler than usual. 

"Ashiwara-san..." Akira paused, considering his words. "Have you ever been in love with someone?" 

"Why are you asking that?" Ashiwara wondered. Suddenly it seemed to hit him. "Akira, do you--" 

"No," Akira said swiftly. He paused again. "Maybe. I--I like someone, but I'm not sure if that person likes me back. I've made several large mistakes in--in the way I've dealt with this person. I'm not sure if they even like me anymore." He was careful to remain deliberately neutral as to the gender of said person. 

"Akira, I--I'm not really a good person to give you advice on this. Maybe you should ask your father?" 

"No, that's not necessary. I was just...I don't know. I just felt like saying it out loud." Akira lowered his head, looking thoughtful. Ashiwara stood there watching him, feeling suddenly uncomfortable, as if he was looking in on a private moment. 

"D-do you need a ride home? I noticed you didn't bring an umbrella." 

"No, that's all right. I'll wait here." Akira didn't look up even as he replied. "I'll see you later, Ashiwara-san." 

"Right." Ashiwara stared at him a moment more, then said his goodbyes and left. Akira barely noticed his absence. 

Shifting in his seat, Akira turned his head and waited for the rain to stop. 

---- 

That's a little less cliffhanger-y than the last chapter, I think. New chapter coming sooner or later (sooner or later than _what_, now that's the question.) 


	7. So Much

**Wish We Never Met Chapter Seven**

Disclaimer: You know the drill. Think of a cool disclaimer, pretend I wrote it. 

Author's Notes: A~a~ah, sorry I'm late! Sorry sorry! I got very distracted by life and college, and Spring Break threw off my internal schedule, I didn't realize I was late until just a few days ago. Plus I've been busy with school and haven't had time for-- 

**Hikaru**: She's lying! 

**Klitch**: Hey! How'd you get here? 

**Hikaru**: She played Pokemon Ruby for five hours yesterday! She's just a slacker! Don't listen to her -- *Gets stuffed back into Klitch's desk drawer* 

*Ahem.* Don't listen to him. Really, who are you going to believe, me or the fictional character? (Don't answer that.) Anyway, look! Chapter! Shiny and new! Read it, review it, pay no attention to the animated character stuffed in the drawer! 

------- 

It was an expectedly gloomy day as Akira stood on the patio of his house, still in his pajamas, staring outside with tired eyes, his arms wrapped around himself to ward off the cold. The sky was gray and overcast, promising rain or snow or some combination of the two, and there was a chill wind blowing. Akira sighed and watched his breath curl through the air. 

_I could wait until tomorrow, _he thought. _Shindou will still be there tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the one after that. I could just wait until the winter's blown over completely and he's forgotten it all. I could wait. _

The wind blew past and Akira shivered, retreating a bit more into the house and into himself. 

_And what will that do? Waiting? I'm not the type to wait. I run, I chase...I don't stand still. But just this one time..._ Akira shook his head. _It's Shindou again. The only one I've ever managed to wait for. The only one I wanted to wait for. But I can't wait forever, and I can't put this off. It won't blow over, I know that now. I have to make a choice. I have to talk to him, to tell him... _

What? That I love him? I already told him that. He knows. I can't just--I can't just say that I've changed my mind now, that I'm ready to love him and so we should be together. And that would be a lie besides. I've accepted_ that I love him; I haven't prepared for it. I'm not ready for it yet, that's why I need him. I want him to_ make_ me ready._

Akira closed his eyes and shivered in the cold, then turned and returned back into the house. His eyes were downcast, lost in thought. 

_And if he can't accept that? I've barely managed to. Shindou may not be able to accept me as I am, after all the mistakes I've made in dealing with him. Does he care for me at all? If he refuses me...where do I go from there? Can I forget? I've tried that and I haven't done it very well at all. So what do I do? What do I say?_

"Akira?" Akira glanced up at the sound of his father's voice. Touya Kouyo had just entered the room and had noticed his son staring at the wall with a distracted look. 

"A-ah, father." Akira quickly composed himself. "Good morning." 

"Are you feeling all right?" Kouyo took a step towards Akira, and the boy found himself backing up, withdrawing. "You look pale." 

"I was outside," Akira said hesitantly. _Why the hesitation? I don't hesitate. I'm acting all wrong today. How can I speak to Shindou when everything I'm doing today is wrong?_ "It's cold." 

Touya Kouyo nodded but didn't reply. Akira felt his father's eyes scrutinizing him and he lowered his head, hiding his eyes behind his bangs. His head hurt. 

"I need to go get dressed," Akira murmured. "I need to go see someone today." 

Kouyo didn't answer, and Akira chose to take the silence as permission to leave. He was nearly to his room when his father spoke again. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing," Akira said automatically, barely even thinking about it. Kouyo glanced at him and Akira felt momentarily ashamed of himself. 

"You don't usually lie to me," Kouyo said after a moment. 

"I know," Akira replied. _Hasn't that been my way this week? I don't usually have such thoughts, say such things. Like yesterday...I hit Shindou. I've_ never_ done something like before. I didn't think it was in me to do such a thing. I--I know that I have a fire in me, that I can be angry, or competitive, but such emotions have always been filtered out. But it all goes back to Shindou. He's made me feel. He made me lose my temper completely, for the first time in a very long time. And now I'm lying to my father because I don't want to talk to anyone about these thoughts. Is that what love does? It changes you? I'm not sure I want to be changed. But still...I can't hide from this. _

"I had a fight with Shindou," Akira admitted, quietly. "I suppose it's ridiculous to be upset about that kind of thing, isn't it? It was just a small fight...." Akira paused, then shook his head again. "No, that's not right, it was larger than that. But we fought, and I need to apologize to him for--for some things I said. And there was also....I hit him." The last three words were spoken in a rush, as if he wanted to get them over with as soon as possible. 

Akira's father couldn't have looked more surprised if Akira had just said that he had decided to give up Go in order to raise penguins in Guam. 

"You hit him? That's not like you." Kouyo's voice was worried, but something in it made Akira flinch. 

"I know." Akira heard his father step closer to him and kept his face turned. "I hadn't expected to. It--it was a sudden reaction. Shindou and I haven't been on good terms recently, and I....I'm not quite sure why I hit him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. So I need to go apologize, you see." 

"Why were you fighting?" 

"We were..." Akira paused. Part of him wanted his father to leave him alone, while the other part was desperate to tell the entire story to someone, anyone. "It was a ridiculous reason, really. He was late meeting me at the Go Salon because he was busy with his friends and then fell asleep and forgot about me entirely. I was upset with him, more than I'd ever been before. I felt--I'm not sure. He apologized then, but it didn't seem adequate and I didn't tell him so. Then there was the rain and my umbrella didn't work, and he asked what was wrong but I couldn't speak, and he ran off without a word. After that...it went downhill rapidly after that. We were arguing at lunch break yesterday, and Shindou was being himself, impulsive and loud and I finally had enough and I slapped him. I didn't speak to him after that." Akira turned slightly to look at his father; Kouyo's face was thoughtful. "It's very stupid, isn't it? And not like me." 

_Tell me it's stupid,_ he silently willed. _Tell me it's nothing. Let me tell myself that it was a very small thing, and so Shindou won't hate me over it, so we won't hate each other. Tell me it's all been very stupid and I've been very stupid, and that I wouldn't have to apologize and face him, because he'll come to me. Because it's all very, very stupid._

"I wouldn't say that it's stupid," Kouyo said, and Akira almost imperceptibly flinched. 

"But it is," he insisted. "It--it has to be stupid. It has to be. It's a stupid thing all around. It's--it's like wanting to be friends" --_To be more than that_-- "with Shindou. To care about him. That's not like me either. I shouldn't care. Isn't that the right way of doing things?" 

"Not necessarily." Akira heard his father move towards him and didn't pull away when Kouyo put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Is this what's been bothering you lately? Your troubles with Shindou-kun?" 

"Yes," Akira admitted softly. _It's deeper than I can tell you, Father. It's....it's something that I can barely tell myself. Deeper._

"Do you remember when I first started teaching you how to play Go?" Kouyo said softly, his tone comforting. "You were very small. I had promised myself that I wouldn't force it upon you to play, that you were your own person and so I would leave the decision to you. And then one day when you were only two, you walked in on me while I was recreating a game. You sat on the other side of the Goban and said, 'Teach me. I want to know how to play. Teach me.' And so I did. That has always been your way of doing things, hasn't it? To state clearly what you feel and chase after your goal." 

"I know," Akira replied, the words little more than a whisper. "But this is different. This is--" 

"I haven't seen you run from anybody but Shindou-kun," Kouyo continued, as if he hadn't heard Akira speak. "Would you rather run from him or chase after him? Those seem to be your choices now. I'll leave the decision to you." Kouyo turned to leave Akira alone, then stopped and added, "And Akira, remember: it is possible to love two things at once. Your feelings don't have to begin and end with Go." 

With that he left the room, leaving Akira lost in thought behind him. 

_A choice I have to make... _Akira thought. _Yes, it is, isn't it? Just like with Go. We chase and we run and we catch or we fall behind, and we get tired and we press on. Just like Go. Except I'm not used to such running. I always walked towards something, be it the world of the pros or the future or that shadow of Shindou that disappeared long ago. That shadow that I ran from, once. And now it's Shindou himself that I'm running from. And not only Shindou, but myself as well. I'm running away from all of it, and I'm tired. I'm hurt. I'm feeling and I'm not sure why. _

And I can run and run forever and I'll just keep running until I'm worn down with it all, because there's nowhere that I'm going except away from Shindou. That's not a destination, it's a deterrent. A fear, not a goal. I can't do that, not forever. I have to chase him. Even if I want to run, I have to chase him. Father said it himself: I state my objectives clearly and I follow after them. It's only that this time my goal is something that I'm not used to. I just have to learn to get used to it. I--I can be afraid, but I can't keep running because of that. Because sooner or later, I'll run so far that Shindou will never be able to find me...and then, I think, I truly will be unhappy. Because I love him, and I want him to chase me, to find me, to catch me, to take me along with him just as I've carried him along with me all this time. 

So is that it then? Is that what it means to love someone? To follow them, to want to chase them and be with them, even when you're afraid? Have I found an answer at last? Akira stared outside once more. It still seemed cold and overcast, but there was no help for it. He had to go see Hikaru, and he had to do it as soon as possible. He had to fix things before they were too far gone to be fixed. 

Akira ran a hand distractedly through his hair and went to get dressed. 

Some time later he sat pouring through the phone book, trying to find Hikaru's address. He had a fairly vague idea as to where Hikaru lived, but nothing very certain. 

_I almost called him when I was sick._ The unwelcome memory returned. _What was it I thought then? That I wanted to hear his voice?_ Akira laughed bitterly. _And now I'm almost afraid to, because I can't bear to hear what he has to say, because I tried my best to make him hate me and now I've changed my mind. After all that thinking and worrying, I accomplished my goal and it only made things worse. Will talking to Shindou end up doing the same? I feel as though it will help, that it must, but I can't trust to that. It has to better than doing nothing, though...doing nothing is worse than running away. At least if I'm running, I'm moving. I have to keep moving, forward or backward, or I'll be miserable for the rest of my life, neck deep in waters I unleashed. So I have to talk to him._

Process of elimination finally allowed Akira to locate Hikaru's address. He wrote it down with a trembling hand and placed the paper in his pocket. 

"I'm going now," Akira said as he went to grab his coat. He headed for the front door and nearly ran into his father. 

"Are you going to talk to Shindou-kun then?" Kouyo asked. 

"Yes," Akira said. "I....Yes, I am. I have to fix things with him." 

"Mmm." Kouyo nodded and walked on past him. "Don't forget to take an umbrella. It may start raining again, and you've been sick." 

"I know." Akira retrieved a working umbrella from the stand near the door and headed outside. The cold wind bit into him with surprising force, tousling his hair. 

_This is not the best of signs,_ Akira thought with a dark smile. _Cold and rain...wasn't it like this when I walked home that other day? And yesterday too.... hurrying along the streets while trying to look like I wasn't, trying to get home before the rain started again, because I had no umbrella and because I liked watching the rain. The rain's the cause of all of this, the rain and the umbrella. Isn't that a ridiculous thought? That if it hadn't been for a shared umbrella and a rainstorm and a broken umbrella and a reply that wouldn't come to a question that was never answered, maybe I could have avoided all of this. _

Or maybe not. Maybe I would have just put it off for a little bit longer, until the next time it rained. I don't think these feelings would have just melted away. It's just that now I have to do something about them, because I've been forced to recognize them. But...but I think.....I think that, perhaps, they were always there. It's only that I couldn't speak and they hid inside, because I was too busy with other things. But they've been here, inside me. That confession outside of the Go Salon was a long time in coming. Akira shivered and started walking towards the train station, dragging the umbrella along behind him. His eyes were hooded, and his feelings warred between being those of a man walking to his execution and those of Odysseus coming home at last. 

Akira nearly balked when he finally reached the train, well aware that this was a pivotal step. He could turn back here and go home like nothing had happened. Or he could change course, go anywhere else, go somewhere brand new and spend a few hours there, and then return home and tell his father that he had worked everything out with Shindou and that he was feeling much better and no, he wouldn't be seeing Hikaru again... 

_No!_ Akira shook his head and stepped onto the train. _I promised that I wouldn't run. I don't understand why I'm so afraid of all this. I--I think I may actually be shaking, just as I did that time before the Junior High tournament. Except it's not Shindou's strength that I'm afraid of. It's something else, something that's in me and something that I fear is in him...Something that I want to be in him, even though I'm afraid to find it there. But still.._. 

His father's words came back to him, and Akira wondered at them : _"It is possible to love two things at once. Your feelings don't have to begin and end with Go."_

_Is that true, I wonder, and does he know how close to guessing my feelings he came?_ Akira thought. _And if my father's right, if I can feel in other ways that don't involve Go, if I can have other feelings...does that make this easier or harder? Because I think I love Shindou and I think that I hate him too, and I think and I feel and I _want_ and it's all driving me crazy. I don't act like this. I don't feel like this. But somehow, I've begun to. And it's all very new to me, too new._

A thought struck Akira suddenly, and he managed a smile. 

_Though I guess this part isn't new, is it? Traveling across town to find Shindou? How many times have I done this? Twice already? Just getting up and running, just because I heard his name. So I suppose some things truly have been here all along, even if I didn't recognize them...._

Soon enough Akira reached his stop and exited the train. He pulled out the paper with Hikaru's address on it and began walking. Eventually he came within sight of Hikaru's house. 

_All right,_ Akira told himself. _This is my last chance. If--if I wish to turn back, now is the time that I have to do it. Once I reach his house, his doorstep, I can't turn back. I have to make my decision_. 

Steeling himself, Akira walked over and knocked on the door. A woman, presumably Hikaru's mother answered. 

"Hello. I'm looking for Shindou Hikaru?" It was an effort to keep his tone polite and his face impassive, but Akira just managed it. 

"Oh! He's out with his friends right now. He should be home soon, though. Do you want to wait?" Hikaru's mother asked. Akira hesitated. 

"No...that's all right. Is it okay if I wait out here for him?" 

"You don't want to come inside?" Hikaru's mother looked surprised. "But it's awfully cold out." 

"I'll be fine," Akira said. "It's easier for me to wait out here for him." 

"Oh..." Hikaru's mother seemed at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with this statement. "Do you want anything while you wait?" 

"No, that's all right. If I'm not still here when Shindou returns, will you tell him that Touya Akira came by to speak with him?" _Should I have left my name? I suppose there's no choice. He'll know who was here regardless._

"Of course." 

"Thank you." Akira bowed and Hikaru's mother nodded in reply, closing the door. Akira settled down on the doorstep to wait. 

_Maybe I should go,_ he thought, idly fiddling with a piece of half-dead grass. _The sky's gotten darker. If I leave now I could get home before it rains again. Shindou will know that I was here. Maybe he'll come over to see me, and then.... _

And then what? I won't have to make a decision? And what if he doesn't come over or call or even make any mention of my coming over here? Should I take that as a sign that he wants nothing more to do with me? Akira sighed and glanced up at the clouds. _I finally worked up the courage to come see him, and he's not even at home. I don't know what to do. I--I was prepared to talk to him right away, not to wait. Now I can only think of all that could go wrong. What if he turns me away? What if he simply walks past like I don't even exist, the way I have done to him in times past? What if he just tells me to go away and never return? What if-- _

What if-- 

Akira felt a sudden panic run through him, like a shock of electricity coursing through his system. Without even realizing it, he found that he had gotten to his feet, three steps from bolting, like a rabbit freezing while it decided whether or not the fox was going to give chase. Almost of their own accord his feet began to move and he found himself walking away from the house. 

_Away from Shindou, away from my thoughts and my feelings and my useless fears and useless love and_ everything-- 

Akira turned a corner and found himself face to face with Shindou Hikaru. 

--- 

Aaaaand there's another chapter down. I'll try to be on time for the next one, but I make no promises--I really am busy in the next few weeks, since the semester's winding down. I have two papers and a midterm due within the next two weeks, plus housing lottery and registration for next semester. But I should be able to find some time for writing. (Though to tide you over, anyone who hasn't been to my website I direct you there--there's a shiny new Hikago lemon in the fic section for your enjoyment.) 


	8. Hear Me Out

**Wish We Never Met** Chapter Eight 

Disclaimer: I own Hikaru no Go plushies, but, alas, not Hikago itself. Or else it would probably have more overt shounen ai. And lots of smooching. But I digress. 

Shameless Plug Part Deux: I know I'm late, so how about more lemons as an apology? I have two more up at my site -- one being the even more plotless sequal to the plotless one i wrote last time (now with 100% less plot and more gratuitous sex) and one fairly long lemon with an actual, honest-to-goodness plot (and I'm really happy with the way this one turned out, so I highly recommend reading it). So, go and read if the mood strikes you :) 

Author's Notes: Took me a while to get this one out, I know. I was wrapped up in a few big final projects (for one class we had to do a 'gazeteeer' involving at least four of the books we read. I decided to do a fifteen page comic, thinking that it would only take an hour or two. I am very very dumb.) Anyway, here's the new chapter. I'm not sure how happy I am with it -- in particular at the beginning I feel like Akira and Hikaru keep wandering out of character. But hopefully it's all right, so read and review! 

----- 

"Touya!" Hikaru seemed almost as shocked as Akira himself was. "I--I wasn't expecting you to--" 

"Shindou." Akira struggled to keep his voice formal and very nearly failed. "We...we need to talk, you and I." 

"I thought you wanted me to leave you alone," Hikaru said roughly, and something inside Akira winced. 

_This is all a long mistake of my own making,_ he thought miserably. _But...if I go now, that's it. I won't be able to speak to him again, and everything truly will change. I can't go back now, can't return. I speak and we change, or I'm silent and we change, and either way I'm miserable for the rest of my life. But a mistake needs fixing and a true confession needs to be made, and I know it._

"Things have changed," Akira said carefully. "But I really need to talk to you, Shindou. It's important." 

"Well--well maybe I don't want to talk to you," Hikaru said irritably, though Akira could hear a note of sadness behind the other boy's voice. 

_Because Shindou is hurt as well,_ Akira realized. _And it's my fault. My mistake. My own foolishness and rashness coming back to haunt me, because I refused to see. _

"I understand your feelings," Akira said, his voice cool even as he told the lie. "And......I'm sorry, Shindou. I shouldn't have hit you." 

"That's not it," Hikaru said. "Look, Touya, you told me to leave you alone, right? And I've tried to get through to you and make you stop acting so weird and irritated and it's not working, so--so why don't we just leave each other alone for now? Until you start acting like yourself again." 

"I'm not myself, I know," Akira said. "That's why we must talk, Shindou. I came all the way here to talk to you, and I won't leave until I tell you what I came here to tell you." 

Hikaru stared at Akira for a long moment, then nodded and sighed. 

"You're stubborn, you know that?" he murmured, a whisper of a smile appearing on his lips. 

"So are you," Akira replied, suddenly feeling too nervous to even attempt his own smile. He suddenly found himself wondering if it wasn't too late to run away from him and return home. 

_Stop being so foolish,_ he told himself sternly as he followed Hikaru into the other boy's house. _This is what I wanted to do, isn't it? I have things to say now. It's far too late to turn back. Though Shindou's face would be interesting to see, wouldn't it, if I suddenly turned and started running?_

"I'm home," Hikaru called as he entered the house with Akira trailing along behind like a reluctant puppy. 

"Oh, Hikaru, one of your friends was here..." His mother's words trailed off as she caught sight of Akira. "Oh, I see he was still here. Will you be going into your room? Should I bring you anything?" 

"Nah, we're fine," Hikaru said. He glanced back at Akira. "Come on, Touya." 

"Oh, right." Akira, who had been hovering anxiously in the doorway, quickly made to follow Hikaru up the stairs. 

_So this is Shindou's house,_ he thought, looking around himself as if trying to memorize it all. _I'd like to come here again, if he'll allow it. It's....well, I'm thinking too far ahead. How should I talk to him? I can't think about the future much now; I have far too many worries about the present. He might make me leave after this is all over. He might...who knows what he might do. He might hate me. I don't know. _

I don't know, and I think that, in a way, it scares me. 

"So, what is it?" Hikaru entered his room and almost petulantly threw himself down on the bed. Akira followed him more hesitantly, staring around at the room. "Well? Touya?" 

"I..." Akira felt a lump rising in his throat as he closed the door and turned to face Hikaru. _What _do _I say? 'I love you?' He knows that. I already apologized for what happened yesterday, though perhaps not enough. And also... _

How much of that anger before was true? He seemed almost sad to me, hurt like I thought, but...he was _angry. No, he_ is _angry. Because he doesn't understand this any more than I do, so he's just as confused and possibly even more annoyed than I am, because I'm acting differently from usual. Because I've been confused and upset, and somehow I've managed to take it all out on him._

"Well?" Hikaru wasn't looking at him now, and it made Akira nervous that he couldn't read the other boy's expression. 

"I....I'm sorry," he said quietly, because he didn't know what else to say. 

"You already apologized," Hikaru reminded him quietly. 

"Yes, I know, but...I'm just sorry." Akira sighed, shaking his head. "I know that I've...that I've been cold to you lately, that I've been acting strange. I've felt it as well. I've been fighting with it. And I never know what to say to you, so I just thought it would be better if I had nothing to say to you. It's hard to explain." 

"Yeah," Hikaru said, his face turned away. "Touya....I don't know what the heck you want me to say. I thought all this was my fault and I apologized a zillion times and you still--" 

"I know," Akira said. "That's why I'm apologizing this time. I've said things to you that I didn't quite mean, because I thought that it would help force things to make sense. Lately it seems like I've been confused and I haven't known why--and when I learned the reason, it was one that I couldn't accept. But Shindou...." 

"Do you hate me?" Hikaru asked suddenly. "I mean, you said before that you did. Do you?" 

"Don't be an idiot," Akira replied almost automatically and saw Hikaru's shoulders slump. 

"So, I'm an idiot now. What'd you say before? That I'm all emotion or something? Maybe I am. And I'm an idiot too, because I thought we were friends and that everything was okay, and then you suddenly start going nuts at me!" Hikaru's voice was raw now, and Akira saw with surprising clarity exactly how deeply his words had cut. 

_Why did I have to be so stupid about all this?_ he thought helplessly._ I wanted the world to just go away, I wanted time to reverse so that I wouldn't have to face these things, and now Shindou is hurt and angry, and it's my fault. And I don't know what to do. I can't predict life the way I predict moves in a game of Go._

"I'm sorry," he said again, voice hesitant. 

"I guess we both are, huh?" Hikaru replied. He turned to face Akira again, and his eyes were intent. "Is that all?" 

"No," Akira said. There was silence as Hikaru waited for him to continue, but Akira seemed unwilling to say anything more. 

"Touya?" Hikaru prompted, and this time Akira looked away. 

"This isn't easy to say," Akira said, his voice distant and thoughtful. _What can I tell him? That everything I said before was a lie, except for my loving him? That I almost called his house that day when I was sick, just to hear his voice? That I think about him when I know I shouldn't, that I'm not myself because of him? That I don't want to feel anything, but I do? That's it's all because of him? That--that I've been lying to us both? I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. I love him, and I can barely find the words to tell him._

"Whenever I have nothing else to do, I recreate games," Akira heard himself say, and it was as if another person was speaking and he was only listening in. "I do it often. I've recreated hundreds of games, some my own, some my father's, some that I've only studied and never seen played. But lately, lately, I only find myself recreating one game. Whenever I'm not really thinking about where I'm placing the stones, when I'm only recreating the game because I want to think and I need my hands to be busy, I always end up playing the same game. I play it flawlessly each time, because I know precisely -- _precisely_ -- where each stone has to go. Without even really looking at the board, I play the stones perfectly, and each time, it's always the same game. Without even realizing it, I unfailingly play that exact game, over and over again, as if it's burned into my mind. I always play that one game. 

"Do you know what game it is? I play that game against you, that second game we played. It always seems to come down to that game, because that the game that eventually led me to chase you. And it's a game that I always play, even without realizing it." 

"But that's not me anymore," Hikaru said quietly, and there was some unidentifiable sadness in his voice. 

"But it is you," Akira said forcefully. "You've changed since then, we both have, but--but you're still Shindou. I've still been chasing and being chased by you. And it all truly began with that game. The first game was our first acquaintance, but it was the second that made me wish to play you again for as long as it would take, the game which made my heart decide that you were the one that would be my rival. It was the game that made--that made me see you. I always play that game. Do you know why?" 

"You're still just chasing the old me," Hikaru said, and there was a sharp pain in his voice. "The ghost that--that isn't here anymore." 

"No," Akira said, just a whisper of a word. _Why does he sound so upset? What is this pain in him right now? I don't understand. But I_ want _to. Right now I--I want so much to understand him. I want to be the one to comfort him. I want to be the one to tell him that I understand, that I care. Why is it so hard to just say it?_

"I....I replay that game," he repeated, eyes half-closed, "because part of me is always thinking of you. Because even if it took me so long to realize it fully, you've been a part of me for a long time now. I didn't want to accept it. I _couldn't_ accept it. I thought that if I refused to play the game, then it would end without a victor. I know I've done so many ridiculous, awful things in the past few days, all because I couldn't accept things. But I've never really had such feelings before. I didn't understand them. I just knew that I was replaying the same game, over and over, and thinking of you without realizing it. 

"I've said a lot of things that I didn't mean in the past few days. I've said that I hate you, that I wish I hadn't met you. But I--I wasn't lying when I said that I love you. Because I do, Shindou. S-somehow, I started to love you, and try as I might, I haven't been able to stop." 

There was another long, awkward silence. Hikaru was staring down at the bedspread, clearly struggling with a reply. Akira suddenly felt horribly overwhelmed and turned away himself, wrapping his arms around himself and staring intently out at the bookshelf. 

_He's quiet. He's never this quiet, _Akira thought anxiously. _But what else did I expect? The last time I told him of my feelings I ran away from him. I can't expect things to be set right so easily. But is he quiet because he's overwhelmed or confused, or is he just angry? Or disgusted, even? Perhaps I should have just kept lying to him, let him think that we're nothing more than friends._

_No. That's almost as foolish as hating him was. I have to know his feelings, even if it means that he hates me. I don't think I can be happy without knowing. _Akira closed his eyes. _It's too late now, to stop loving him, to sweep it under the carpet. I learned that before. If I hadn't said anything, it still wouldn't go away. It still wouldn't stop hurting._

"I...I don't have an answer to that," Hikaru said, and Akira turned to face him. Hikaru's face was marked by confusion and uncertainty. "I--I mean...Touya, what am I supposed to say to that? Last time you told me that--" 

"I know what I did last time," Akira said. "I was mistaken. I'm sorry. That's why I've been apologizing, why I had to talk to you. I was wrong before, I--I couldn't understand my own feelings. It was stupid. But I'm not running away this time, Shindou." 

Hikaru nodded, but didn't replay. He glanced out the window, then looked back at Akira. 

"I..." He shook his head again. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Hell, I don't know what I _want_ to say, even." 

"Do _you_ hate _me_?" Akira asked, desperately trying to keep his voice calm. 

"No!" Hikaru said quickly, and his obvious desire to reassure Akira made the other boy's heart beat just a bit faster. "Touya, I-I didn't want us to stay mad at each other forever or anything like that and I don't hate you, of _course_ I don't hate you, I've been mad at you, sure, but I never _hated_ you, I just--I just don't know what I can say to you." 

"I'm not sure what I want you to say," Akira admitted. _I don't want you to say you love me if you don't mean it, Shindou. But if you don't--I'm not sure if I want to hear that, either. We're both caught now. You don't have a reply, and I don't have one either._

"Could...could you just, you know, leave for a while?" Hikaru said. He seemed to have some difficulty getting the words out. "I think I kinda need some time to think about this. I--I don't know _what_ I feel about you, Touya, I really don't. I thought we were friends, but..." He sighed. "You were kinda right, though, when you said that I don't treat you like my other friends, just cause I--I thought that you wouldn't like doing other stuff with me besides playing Go and all, and I never really asked you otherwise. I don't know. I just feel like, if you weren't even sure that we were friends, then maybe I wasn't doing a very good job. But I don't think that I...." He trailed off, and Akira paled slightly. "I just need some time to think, okay?" 

"Of course," Akira said, trying to keep the hurt from his voice. 

_"But I don't think that I...." That what? You never finished that sentence. Never could love me? I can't blame you for that. It's only that... _

...only that it hurts _and it's never hurt like this before...._

"I'll see you in a few days, then?" Akira said, and Hikaru nodded. 

"I'm sorry," he said. 

"I think we've both apologized enough for one day, don't you think?" Akira said sadly, before turning to leave. He heard Hikaru say his name behind him, and didn't look back. 

_What more did I want?_ Akira thought bitterly as he descended the stairs. _What did I expect, really? I couldn't ask him to give me a reply right there. It--it wouldn't be fair to either of us to ask such a thing. I shouldn't be surprised that he wasn't able to reply, that he needs time. I should have expected it. _

It's a perfectly logical thing for him to ask. There's no reason why he shouldn't need a few days. It's easy for him to say that he doesn't hate me, but saying anything beyond that--it's too much for me to ask of him. How long did it take me to come to a conclusion in regards to my own feelings? I shouldn't have any reason to be upset. 

Akira nodded firmly as he left Hikaru's house and headed unwaveringly for the train station. 

_It's perfectly sensible for him to need a few days. I understand that. I should have expected this. _

But why does it still hurt this much? 

---- 

And there it is. The next chapter will probably be in Hikaru's POV, I think. Unfortunately, the wait may be long again -- I'm going home for summer break on Monday, and my computer is going into the shop because the DVD drive is acting all wonky. So for a while I'll be on my Mom's computer, and I don't know how much I'll be able to get done until I get mine back. So don't be surprised if I'm late again. 


	9. Thinking Over

**Wish We Never Met** Chapter 9 

Author's Notes: Um...it's a bit late? Okay, a lot late. I'm really, really, _really_ sorry that this took over a year to post. I know it sucks when you're reading something and the author stops writing for, like, ever. My only excuses are that real life got in the way quite a bit -- this was my last year of college so a lot of my usual free writing time got sucked away (in particular I took a creative writing course first semester that required a lot of out-of-class writing, so most of my writing time that semester was being used for that class). And it didn't help matters that the Hikago manga ended rather...abruptly last year, which admittedly made my interest wane a bit. Anyhow, stuff intervened and it took me forever and I am exceedingly sorry and throw myself on the mercy of my reviewers (and for anyone who emailed me and never got a reply, thank you and sorry I never wrote you back, I'm horrible with email). Anyway, this chapter's a little short and I'm not sure how happy I am with it, bt hopefully it'll do after making everyone wait so long for it. 

--- 

Hikaru sat on his bed and stared out the window, watching as Akira walked away. The other boy's head was bowed slightly, and his walk was slightly faster than usual. 

_Did I say something stupid? Did I make him mad?_ Hikaru wondered, wrapping a hand around his head as he curled up next to the pillow. _It's just...I didn't know what to say. I--I_ wanted _to say something, anything! But I didn't know what. I don't...I don't think I feel that way for him._

_Or maybe I do. I never thought about it before, really. I mean...it's _Touya._ Touya. He's not...I don't think about that sort of thing with him. Should I have said something different? What would you say, Sai? I need advice._

There was no answer, of course, he'd known that, but it never hurt to ask. And he was desperately in need of advice now. Hikaru's head was swimming, and somehow all he could see in his mind was that swift spasm of pain that had crossed Akira's face when he hadn't been able to choke out an answer. 

_I'm sorry, Touya._ Hikaru sighed and put a hand to his cheek, still remembering the sting from when Akira had slapped him a few days earlier. _I just...I don't wanna say anything to you that's a lie, you know? I've been sorta lying to you about Sai all this time anyway, and about me...I didn't want to just say what you wanted to hear because I knew it'd make you sad later on, but....I didn't want you to be hurt like this either. I'm--I'm just sorta confused. Because we were friends and then we weren't, and you said you loved me and ran away, and then you acted so strange and started telling all this stuff to me, and I never know what to think about you. _

_And that game...._ Hikaru winced and lowered his head, Akira's words still ringing in his mind. 

_"It always seems to come down to that game, because that the game that eventually led me to chase you."_

_But that isn't me,_ Hikaru thought darkly. _That was never me. It's--it's not really me he's thinking about, not really. The game he's playing wasn't _mine. _So then--then how'm I supposed to answer him? What doesn't he want me to say? Because he's confusing me like he always does and then he brings up_ that _game and says he's thinking of me and he's not--the person he's playing doesn't exist anymore. That game isn't what he thinks it is._

Hikaru felt a headache coming on. He was confused and he knew it, and didn't like it. But everything about Akira seemed determined to confuse him lately. He'd been floored by Akira's declaration all those days earlier, but the other boy's reaction had been so sudden that Hikaru hadn't really given any deep thought to the matter. There was no time then, and everything just kept getting more and more convoluted, and it was easy to forget where it had started. But now... 

_Now I owe him an answer, _Hikaru thought firmly. _I mean, even if it isn't what he wants to hear...we're friends, I_ know _we are, and I can't let him go unanswered. It isn't fair to do that. He told me how he felt, he accepted it, now I--I just have to answer him. But I don't know how! What sort of thing can I say to him? I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to lie to him, either. But I don't know if it even _would _be lying, if I said no. I just...._

_I just..._

Shaking his head tiredly, Hikaru rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes, hoping that maybe things would make more sense in the morning. 

--- 

The next morning, Hikaru was dismayed to find that nothing had conveniently sorted itself out and he was still as confused as ever. If anything, everything was even more confusing than it had been before. 

_I wonder if I'll see him today..._ Hikaru thought idly as he slowly ate breakfast. _No, probably not. He said that he'd see me in a few days. That's good, right? It'll...give me time to think..._

_I hope he's okay._ The thought was sudden, and Hikaru found himself feeling worried. _He looked so sad when he left. He never looks like that. I can never read his face anymore, I can never tell what he thinks. Then he comes in here and makes a full confession and what the hell am I supposed to do now?_

Hikaru sighed and stared up at the ceiling. He'd have to see Akira eventually. He'd have to give him an answer, even if it was one the other boy wouldn't want to hear. 

_Just forget about him for a little while,_ Hikaru told himself. _I gotta go meet Waya and Isumi later anyway. Maybe if I stop thinking about it for a while it'll be a little bit clearer. I'm gonna be as obsessive as Touya at this rate._ The thought made him smile, but it wasn't the carefree smile he generally wore. A small rebellious part of him pointed out that if it hadn't been for recent events, he'd be preparing to meet Akira at the Go salon about now, and it made his heart sink. _Dammit Touya, why'd you have to make everything so _difficult... 

His heart wasn't in the thought and he knew it, but it didn't change anything. Hikaru shifted in his seat and thought over Akira's words again. 

_"Somehow, I started to love you, and try as I might, I haven't been able to stop."_

_He wasn't lying when he said that. I know Touya, and I know he really meant that. He's been thinking about this the whole time, I'm sure of it, and he finally was able to tell me...and I don't have an answer. I don't want to hurt him. I just...I just don't know what to do._ Sighing, Hikaru stood and went back up to his room. He just needed more time. 

When he finally left the house about an hour later, he had almost successfully managed to put Akira out of his mind for the time being. He was going to meet Waya and Isumi and play Go, which was problematic because thoughts of Go generally led to thoughts of Touya which led to more confusion, though on the other hand he was also hoping that a game or two might help calm his mind. When he stepped out of the house he half-expected Touya to appear out of nowhere again and confront him. 

_That's not too paranoid,_ Hikaru thought defensively. _He used to do that all the time before, after all. _His face fell._ If I don't figure this all out, I guess he won't do it anymore, huh? This can't go back to the way it was before, even if I want it to. He's not just going to go back to being my rival -- even if he says he would, it wouldn't be the same 'cause I'd know better and so would he. I don't want to lose that, though. I don't want to lose him completely like that_. 

Hands in the pockets of his coat, Hikaru continued to make his way towards Waya's apartment. It was a nicer day than the past few had been, which inexplicably raised his spirits. A light wind blew in his face and the clouds above were soft and light gray, not at all like the dull rain clouds that had been hovering around most of the week. 

_It's a good sign,_ Hikaru told himself. _A good sign and a nice day and I'm_ not _going to let myself get down about things just yet. I have time until I need to give Touya an answer. I just--just need to calm down and think about Go for a while, that's all, just think about something else and clear my head and all, and then I'll be ready to tell him... whatever it is I'm going to tell him._

Isumi and Waya were already in the middle of a game when he arrived. 

"You're late, Shindou!" Waya said, looking up momentarily from the board. Hikaru glanced at the game as he took off his coat; Isumi seemed to be winning. "We started without you." 

"You're losing," Hikaru teased him as he sat down between them, still observing the board. 

"We're not playing very seriously," Isumi said. "We were just waiting for you. What took so long?" 

"It...ah, it's complicated, okay?" Hikaru put a hand to his head. "I'm here now, right? Can we just play?" 

"Is something wrong?" 

"Sorta. I can't really talk about it. It's just something really confusing happened yesterday and it keeps bothering me." 

"You better be careful not to let your concentration get messed up," Waya said. "Or else we'll both beat you easily, right Isumi-san?" 

"I can play fine," Hikaru said, even though he really wasn't quite sure about that. "Do you two want to finish?" 

"Nah, we can start doing something else," Waya said. "Isumi-san brought the kifu from some of last week's games that we can try recreating." 

"You're just saying that because you're losing," Isumi said with a smile even as he began clearing his stones from the board. 

"One of Touya's matches is in there too, you know," Waya said pointedly to Hikaru, changing the subject. 

"Touya, huh?" Hikaru felt his good mood deflate a little. 

"I still can't believe he hit you," Isumi said. "That doesn't seem like Touya at all. I've seen him when he plays and I know that he can be almost frighteningly serious, but I never expected something like that out of him. He doesn't seem like the type of person who would fly off the handle easily." 

"He's been under some stress lately, I guess." Hikaru shrugged noncommittally. "It was kinda my fault too. I really made him upset, I think." 

"I don't get why you hang out with him all the time," Waya muttered. 

"He's a nice guy when you get to know him," Hikaru said, suddenly feeling stirred to Akira's defense. "He's just really engrossed in playing Go and all. It's not like we're any different, Touya's just a lot more serious and all. But he's not a bad guy." 

"He hit you," Waya pointed out. 

"I told you, that was a...thing," Hikaru trailed off. "It'd take too long to explain, okay? But that was just a one-time thing, because I made him so upset. Usually we argue and stuff, just like I argue with you sometimes, Waya. And he's fun to play Go with. We meet at his dad's Go salon all the time and play against each other, and even if we end up arguing about something it's still a good game in the end. He's really smart about Go, and I know he likes having me as his opponent even if he doesn't like saying so. And anyway, he's my friend too, just like you guys are. He's just not used to dealing with people his age or anything, since he's always been around old guys all his life." 

"If you say so." Waya shrugged. 

"I think it's good for you two to be friends," Isumi said. "If you like playing against him, that's a good thing, right? And it helps you both get better. I've seen Touya's game -- he's definitely a genius like his father, but I think there still could be some things that Shindou could teach him. Waya's just annoyed because Touya always beats him." 

"Yeah, see? I like being Touya's friend. Just because we're rivals doesn't mean I have to hate him." Hikaru shifted a bit. _But then there's the whole part where he said he loved me and how I'm all confused now, and I can't tell you guys that part because it would just make things even worse. But I meant it when I defended him. I_ do _like playing against him, and having him as a rival and a friend. I'm just not sure if I feel anything more besides that._

He sat in thoughtful silence for a while as Isumi and Waya proceeded to recreate another game, chiming in here and there with a few thoughts so that they wouldn't think he was too distracted. At one point, after Hikaru had been silent for far too long, Waya poked him with a finger. 

"Oi, Shindou. You okay? You're too quiet today." 

"I'm fine! I'm just thinking," Hikaru muttered. 

"You weren't even paying attention to the board," Waya said. "If you're thinking, it's not about the game." 

"I was paying attention, I just..." Hikaru let the sentence hang as a thought came to him. "Hey, do you guys ever just, you know, play a game without thinking?" 

"Huh?" 

"Like..." Hikaru paused, trying to think of how to explain it. "Like you're sitting at home and practicing and nobody's there, but you're distracted so you're not really paying as much attention to the game as you should, and you end up playing some game you've played before or memorized a lot or something?" 

"Sometimes," Waya admitted. "It doesn't happen a lot, though. Sometimes I end up playing something I've studied the kifu of a hundred times, and I don't even realize it. Usually not exactly, though." 

"The same thing happens to me too," Isumi said. "I think it's just a natural reaction. If you've played a certain game enough times, your hands just automatically seem to place the stones somewhere. If I ever start a game and I'm not really thinking I've noticed that my first move tends to be one that I make in a lot of games, partially because there are always certain moves that are good to start with, and partially because I'm used to doing so. You could do a whole game that way -- though like Waya said, it probably wouldn't be exact, unless you've really memorized that game. I guess in a way you always subconsciously remember the moves you've made most often, and the game you've recreated the most." 

"I guess that would be right," Hikaru murmured. "I've never really tried actually, I was just thinking about it." _Usually when I was playing at home I had Sai there, so I was always paying attention. And afterwards I was always thinking about it when I played._ "I wonder what game I'd play?" he wondered aloud. 

"Maybe nothing." Isumi shrugged. "Sometimes playing a game without thinking ends up looking like it too, you know. I've done it a few times when it's ended up looking like something a beginner would do -- usually it gets me to pay attention more." 

_So if Touya plays that second game between him and Sai, he must've recreated it a million times before,_ Hikaru thought. _He must have been really obsessed with it. But...but it still wasn't me he was playing. Even if he thinks it was._

They played a few more games before Hikaru finally left, still feeling confused and a little off kilter. He wandered slowly through the streets on his way home, still lost in thought. 

_How do you play a game without thinking, anyway?_ he wondered, kicking at a bit of snow that was gathered near a lamppost. _You always have to think when playing Go, it's part of the game. And if I'm too busy trying not to think while I play I'll end up thinking and then everything'll just get messy again. And what if I end up with nothing helpful anyway, like Isumi-san said? It won't help me any, and I still won't know what to say to Touya. And I need something to tell him, because otherwise we'll never be friends or anything again, and I don't want that. So I need an answer. Some kind of answer._

When he got home he went straight up to his room, ignoring his mother's cheerful greeting. He had to figure things out, somehow. He had to try. 

"All right then," Hikaru decided and sat down in front of his Goban. Closing his eyes for just a moment, he began to think of other things, of old games with his friends and arguments with Touya and nights running home in the snow. 

And then he began to play. 

---- 

And that's another chapter down. I'll try my best to make the wait significantly shorter next time. 


End file.
